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Hjärngröt

2014-03-26

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– Att sluta tänka vore en bra idé i det här läget, hör jag mig själv säga högt och bestämt med irriterad underton inuti mitt huvud.
Och jag har rätt.
Som vanligt.
Men orden drunknar i det växande infernot i mitt bröst.
Att vara en tänkande varelse är inte alltid att föredra. Ibland önskar jag att det bara skulle bli tyst och lugnt därinne.
Hela tiden.
Istället är det en jävla röra!
Stökigt, skrikigt, bråkigt.
Inte alltid, men just nu.
En enda sörja.
Hjärngröt.
Jag skulle vilja rädda mig själv men jag kan inte. Totalt invaderad av tankar om dåtid, framtid, nutid blir det svårt att få det att bli lugnt och stillsamt igen. Med åren har jag lärt mig att bemästra min egen febrila hjärnverksamhet men ibland är det bara för mycket.
Hjärngröten är ett faktum.
De negativa tankarna får snabbt grogrund i den temporära men ytterst påtagliga osäkerhetens geggiga träsk.
– Det går inget vidare, eller hur…
– Vad du än gör så blir det fel…
– Var inte nöjd, det duger inte.
Det är inte sant, inget av det.
Det vet jag.
Ändå fortsätter de väsande, fräsande, pyrande orden hagla ner som tusen och åter tusen eldpilar över min minimala skyttegrav utan tak. Paralyserad av situationen ligger jag tyst och ihopkrupen med bara händerna som skydd över huvudet. Med flackande ögon låter jag livet passera förbi en stund, i väntan på stillhet…
Genast sköljer en känslosvallande våg av tsunamikaliber in, den första av många. Lika oönskat som väntat vaknar demonerna. De växer sig starka i mitt mörka inre. De klöser, river, förstör allt jag byggt upp.
– Era jävlar! Försvinn! vrålar Godheten men blir omedelbart konsumerad av baksuget från känslovågen och sörplas obevekligen ut i den ocean av ångest som hotar tätt intill. Dallrande, svettigt, mörkt och hotfullt är havet. Jag känner mig som en löjlig bit drivved som okontrollerbart tumlar runt under tiden vattenmassorna samlar ny styrka, lite som en köttluktande gammal trasa som kastats in till uttråkade kamphundar innanför stängsel.
Och så drabbar nästa våg, med full kraft.
I efterdyningarna kommer alla små snälla frågetecken och klappar och plåstrar om… De undrar med mjuk röst:
Varför tillåter du dig att oroa dig så här?
Varför gör du så här mot dig själv?
Varför sätter du dig i så dumma situationer?
Varför inte bara vara snäll mot sig själv…? ❤️
Dumt.
Lika dumt som att ställa upp i en boxningsmatch mot Klitskjo. Man kan liksom inte vinna. Det enda som är garanterat är att man får rejält med stryk.
Så, sluta tänk kvinna!!
Nu.

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