— Livet, olyckan, Tankar —

Själsliga reservdelar

2014-09-05

Nattens sammetslena slöja har sakta sänkt sig. Den ligger tung som ett ogenomträngligt svart täcke över mig. Runt mig.
Himlen, täckt av alla dessa tusentals utspridda stjärnor, lika briljanta i sin enkelhet som fascinerande i sin komplexitet. Men inatt kan jag inte uppskatta deras skönhet.
Den fysiska smärtan kommer som vanligt ren och klar. Jag glädjs lite åt att det jag känner inuti kommer i skymundan.
Ångesten.
Den Fula Ångesten.
Den lurar som ett monster inom mig, alltid redo att försöka bryta sig ut för att förstöra och förgöra. Det river och trycker i mitt bröst, lite som en ångvält fast i miniatyr. Mer plats lämnar jag inte åt mitt monster.
Sorgen gör sig återigen påmind trots att tiden gått.
Saknaden finns alltid vid min sida, som en oönskad vapendragare utan mål.
Jag tänker på livet som kom emellan.
Valen som gjordes.
En del rätt, en del fel.
Alla minnen, alla önskningar…
Dåtid som aldrig blir nutid – eller framtid…
Huset sover och snarkningarna ekar tomt ända in i mitt innersta hjärterum. Ensam fast i sällskap ligger jag återigen ofrivilligt vaken, återigen drabbad av tankar omöjliga att kontrollera…
Jag är svag inatt, det känner jag tydligt. Det är nog därför monstret lyckas kika ut, om än bara lite grann.
Och plötsligt hopas alla trasiga minnen.
Alla malande tankar.
All sorg.
All smärta.
All oro.
All längtan som var förgäves.
Alla människor jag gjort illa på Livets väg, med eller utan uppsåt och insikt.
Allt trillar plötsligt ut från sina prydligt organiserade lådor och hamnar i en enorm hög, helt omöjlig att sortera.
Vem är jag i den här röran…?
Hjälplöst stirrar jag på berget av blandad misär som jag lyckats städa undan så många gånger innan. Här trängs inte bara sorg över en pappa som försvann alltför tidigt, utan även skräck över att livet kan bli för kort.
Att man aldrig riktigt vet.
Oron över att det aldrig finns några garantier vältrar sig ovanpå insikten att jag är skadad för livet. Att mina ärr utanpå kanske bleknar och att mina gapande hål i käkbenet snart fylls av vita plasttänder…
Reservdelar.
Men sen då?
Är jag hel då?
Utanpå och inuti?
Nej.
Så klart inte.
– Finns det reservdelar för själen…? frågar jag tyst.
Svaret uteblir, ekande och ihåligt.
Jag måste åtminstone försöka vara en god och bra människa i alla fall, även om jag bevisligen inte håller måttet. Bilden jag målat upp krackelerar mitt framför mina ögon.
En sorglig syn.
Kanske allt egentligen handlar om acceptans?
Att acceptera sig själv med de fel och brister man har.
Att acceptera sina medmänniskor som de är.
Att acceptera situationen, hur jävlig den än må vara, även om man inte nödvändigtvis gillar den.
Och så måste man göra det bästa av den.
Klyschigt måhända – men sant.
Inatt har jag bara svårt att acceptera mig själv på många plan.
Jag måste ta vara på livet.
Ibland kan jag väl få tänka en kort stund på att den oönskade Döden kommer en dag?
Ja.
För den kommer ju.
Någon dag.
Kanske med cancer, kanske i en olycka.
Kanske bara av ålderdom.
Fast vet du vad?
Alla andra dagar kommer den inte.❤️
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