— Livet, Människa i världen, Personligt, Tankar —

Periodaren

2020-04-16
I mörkret finns också ljuset.

Jag vet att jag är en periodare.
En bland många.
Ett missbruksbarn av vår tid.
Jag knarkar trygghet och kontroll och när det tar slut, som nu, vad gör jag då?
Jag lättar på låset.
Släpper på ramen.
Ängsligt gläntar jag på den knarrande dörren och famlar i mörkret.
Letar ljusknappen.
Tankarna myllar, flyger, bökar, trängs i dunklet, de formar ord helt för egen maskin, de spottas ut och väller fram som brinnande lava ur en vulkan.
Ostoppbara.
Ganska vackra att betrakta på avstånd ändå.
Men jag vill inte ha dem alltför nära
för det bränns.

Tankarna ter sig oformbara och obegripliga inne i den grå massan. De sväller och tar plats och hamnar i vägen, lite som som klumpiga dörrvakter som hindrar mig att komma in.
Eller ut.
Men jag hänger på låset och ger mig inte.
För ord är konkreta.
De är lösningen.
En sorts motgift.
JA.
Precis vad jag behöver!
Precis vad jag längtar efter.
Motgift.
Bot mot en förgiftad kropp och knopp och allt runtomkring.
Det är vad orden är.
Det är vad orden ger.
Ett sammanhang…

Och nu då?
Nu när jag är åderlåten och nästan alla ord blött ut…
Blir det bättre då?
Nej.
Nej?
Det är balansen som saknas.
Den har aldrig funnits där.
Helt för mycket eller alldeles för lite.
Alltid allt eller inget.
Som en hetsätare och anorektiker i samma person.
Lite som mänskligheten i stort.
Konsumerar allt medan andra svälter.

Balansen felar.
Du och jag, vi ska prata intensivt nätterna igenom och sluka varann hela eller så ska vi förbli tysta i dagar.
Parallelleka.
Låt oss nonchalera verkligheten en stund.
Stunden blir till eoner.
Ett hav av tid flyter stilla förbi, precis utom räckhåll.
I medvetet plågsam tvåsamhet betraktar vi båda hur den andre tynar bort, mitt här i ensamheten där vi tillsammans bor.
Men vi säger inget.
Vi gör inget.
Vi håller andan alldeles för länge i detta själsliga vakuum.
Och sedan blåser vi liv i lungorna igen.
Kippandes efter andan känner vi plötsligt att vi lever, vi lever!
Blodet rusar och vi blir höga på livet och kärleken!
Varma famnar välkomnar den återfunna lyckan.
Fast egentligen är det kanske bara känslan av att ha återfått kontrollen som vi känner av.
Vi syresätter oss snabbt, vi dumma människor.
Vi glömmer fort hur det nyss var.
Vi glömmer.
Om och om, igen och igen.

Jag antar att det är bara så det är.
Livet.
Det är så vi är.
Vi är alla sjuka och skadade, de flesta låtsas bara inte om det.
Eller så förstår vi inte.
Vissa vill inte förstå.
Att just precis så här är livet.
Privilegierad eller ej, så lider vi alla av livet fast på miljarder olika vis.
Och ändå vill vi leva det.
Allra mest i tider då ovissheten stryker runt omkring oss.

Så känns det bättre då?
Nu när orden flutit ut…
Ja.
För för stunden blir det så lugnt och tyst, så sorterat och strukturerat.
Nästan som en perfekt struken duk.
Vit och stram breder den ut sig över bordet och omfamnar det med en slags bestämdhet.
Jag har återfått kontrollen.
Städat i sinnet.
Släppt på trycket, snabbt stängt in smittan.
Min inre poltergeist har somnat av både tristess och svält och vandrar inte instängt runt och luktar förruttnelse mer.
Ibland är det bra att vädra.

Ute blåser en iskall vind men himlen är blå och luften är hög.
Allt går i perioder.
Även du.
Även jag.

Det finns ännu hopp om vår.

Starkt och hoppfullt ändå.

facebook Share on Facebook
Twitter Tweet
Follow Follow us

15 826 reaktioner på ”Periodaren”

  1. Howdy are using WordPress for your blog platform?
    I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and create my own. Do you need any coding expertise to make your own blog?
    Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  7. Today, I went to the beach with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said ”You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!

    pialci.ru/index.php?links_exchange=yes&page=322&show_all=yes 
    airmedbiologics.com/qualified_preferred_abattoir_relationships.aspx 
    rem.4nmv.ru/forum/profile.php?action=show&member=5100 
    http://www.sumkin.ru/forum/member.php?u=40482 
    arsenalaction.com/forum/posting.php?mode=reply&f=4&t=1558 

  8. Pretty part of content. I simply stumbled upon your blog and
    in accession capital to say that I get in fact enjoyed account your blog
    posts. Any way I will be subscribing in your
    augment or even I fulfillment you access persistently
    fast.

  10. I’m curious to find out what blog system you are working with?
    I’m having some small security problems with my latest blog and I’d like to find something more secure.
    Do you have any solutions?

  11. Hi there to all, the contents present at this web page are really awesome for people experience, well, keep up the nice work fellows.

    probki.vyatka.ru/content/reshenie-1442012?page=22 
    http://www.cleancenter.net/support.htm 
    baotanglichsuvn.com/applied-arts-in-oriental-tea-culture-402.html 
    viglojdrc.org/fr/news/les-jeunes-transformes-pour-transformer-et-membres-du-cjadh 
    sp12.ru/com/pristroy/open/59 

  12. I’m gone to say to my little brother, that he should also visit this web site on regular basis to
    take updated from hottest news update.

  13. Hi it’s me, I am also visiting this website on a regular basis,
    this site is in fact nice and the visitors are in fact sharing fastidious thoughts.

  15. Hi there! This blog post could not be written any better!

    Reading through this post reminds me of my previous roommate!
    He always kept preaching about this. I will forward
    this information to him. Pretty sure he’s going to have a great read.
    Many thanks for sharing!

  16. Oh my goodness! Impressive article dude! Thanks, However I am experiencing issues with your RSS.
    I don’t know why I am unable to subscribe to it.
    Is there anyone else getting similar RSS issues? Anybody who knows the answer will you kindly respond?
    Thanks!!

  17. In a vibrant city like Las Vegas, massage therapy
    is an essential part of self-care and relaxation. With its fast-paced lifestyle and bustling entertainment scene, residents and visitors often seek refuge from the
    hustle and bustle through spa therapy and massage treatments.
    Las Vegas Massage understands the importance of providing a
    sanctuary for individuals to unwind and rejuvenate, offering a wide range
    of services from deep tissue massage to Swedish massage,
    ensuring that everyone can find the perfect treatment to soothe their body and mind.

    Located in the heart of Las Vegas, Las Vegas Massage serves diverse
    neighborhoods such as Amber Hills and Arts District.

    Founded in 1905, the same year as the city itself, Las Vegas has a rich history and cultural
    heritage that continues to attract people from all walks of life.
    With a population of 646,790 residents and over 832,367
    households, Las Vegas is a dynamic city known for
    its entertainment, dining, and nightlife. Interstate 11, a major
    highway, runs through the city, connecting it to neighboring areas and facilitating both local and
    interstate travel.

    In a city where temperatures can vary significantly throughout the year, home repairs are a common concern for residents.
    From air conditioning maintenance to roofing repairs, homeowners must budget
    for these expenses to ensure their comfort and safety.
    On average, repairs can range from a few hundred to several thousand dollars, depending on the scope
    of the work and the contractor hired. Additionally, Las Vegas experiences scorching summers with temperatures often exceeding 100°F, while winters are mild, with temperatures averaging around 60°F.

    Exploring the vibrant landscape of Las Vegas, visitors can discover a multitude
    of attractions that cater to every interest and preference.
    From the iconic lights of the Strip to the serene beauty of Floyd Lamb Park,
    there’s something for everyone to enjoy. For thrill-seekers, attractions like the Big Shot
    and Fly LINQ offer adrenaline-pumping experiences, while
    cultural enthusiasts can explore the exhibits at the Atomic Museum and Chinatown Vegas.
    Families can enjoy educational outings to the Discovery
    Children’s Museum, while nature lovers can relax at Aliante Nature Discovery Park.

    Choosing Las Vegas Massage for your relaxation needs ensures a rejuvenating experience that goes beyond pampering.
    With a team of licensed massage therapists and a commitment to providing personalized care, Las Vegas
    Massage strives to exceed expectations and deliver exceptional service to
    every client. Whether you’re looking to alleviate tension and stress or simply unwind and
    relax, Las Vegas Massage offers a tranquil oasis where you can escape the pressures of daily
    life and emerge feeling refreshed and revitalized.

  18. This paragraph gives clear idea in support of the new people of blogging,
    that truly how to do blogging and site-building.

  19. You are so cool! І do not think I’ve truly read a single thing like that
    before. So good to find somebody wіth uniquｅ thoughts on this toⲣic.
    Rеally.. thanks for ѕtarting this up. Thіs web site
    is one thing that’s needed on the web, someߋne with a bit of oгiginality!

  24. Hi, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues.
    When I look at your blog site in Ie, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it
    has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up!

    Other then that, awesome blog!

  26. Hey there! I know this is somewhat off-topic but I needed
    to ask. Does building a well-established website like yours
    take a massive amount work? I am completely new to operating a blog however
    I do write in my journal everyday. I’d like to start a blog so I can share my own experience and views online.
    Please let me know if you have any suggestions or tips for brand new aspiring bloggers.
    Appreciate it!

  27. First of all I want to say great blog! I had a quick question in which I’d like to ask if you do not mind.
    I was interested to know how you center yourself and clear
    your thoughts before writing. I’ve had a tough time clearing my mind in getting my thoughts out there.

    I truly do enjoy writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are generally lost simply just trying
    to figure out how to begin. Any ideas or tips?
    Kudos!

  28. Интернет-агентство оказывает профессиональные меры по технической поддержке веб-сервиса на https://Podderzhka-Dlya-Saita.ru/ по недорогим ценам. Наполним сайт смысловым содержимым. Решим вопросы по круглосуточному мониторингу и проблем с дизайном. Работники окажут лучшие меры по созданию веб-сервисов. Можете оформить доступные расценки с абонентской платой. Коммерческие предложения доступны по ключевым характеристикам: количеству вовлеченных сотрудников, дополнительных опций и других.

  29. Wow, incredible weblog format! How long have you ever been running a blog for?
    you make blogging glance easy. The full glance of your website
    is fantastic, let alone the content material!

  39. Great write-up, I am normal visitor of one’s blog, maintain up the nice operate, and It is going to be a regular visitor for a long time.

  43. Magnificent items from you, man. I’ve have in mind your stuff previous
    to and you’re simply too excellent. I actually like
    what you’ve acquired right here, certainly like what you’re stating and the best way through which
    you are saying it. You are making it entertaining and
    you still take care of to keep it wise. I can not wait to read much more from you.
    This is really a wonderful web site.

  44. Hi, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar
    one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam feedback?

    If so how do you protect against it, any plugin or anything you can suggest?
    I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any assistance is very much appreciated.

  45. I am really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your weblog.
    Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself?
    Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to see
    a great blog like this one these days.

  46. Hmm it seems like your website ate my first comment (it
    was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I
    had written and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog.

    I too am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to the whole thing.
    Do you have any suggestions for first-time blog
    writers? I’d certainly appreciate it.

  47. I do consider all of the concepts you have introduced on your post.
    They’re very convincing and can certainly work.
    Still, the posts are very quick for novices. May just you please
    prolong them a bit from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.

  48. I blog quite often and I really appreciate your content.

    This great article has really peaked my interest. I am going to book mark your website and keep checking for
    new information about once per week. I subscribed to your Feed as well.

  49. hey there and thank you for your info – I’ve certainly picked up something new from
    right here. I did however expertise several
    technical issues using this website, as I experienced to reload the web site many times previous to I could get it to load correctly.
    I had been wondering if your web hosting is OK?

    Not that I am complaining, but slow loading instances times will very frequently
    affect your placement in google and can damage your high quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords.
    Anyway I am adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out
    for much more of your respective interesting content. Ensure that you update this again very soon.

Kommentarer är stängda.