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Fjorton år av död efter ett vackert liv

2018-09-20

20 september 2004.
Vädermässigt var den 20 september 2014 en vacker dag med sensommarsol, blå himmel och hög klar luft, som jag minns det. Jag vaknade dagen gråtandes, precis som alla andra dagar vid den tiden, och skulle avsluta den likadant. Fast värre. Strax innan midnatt samma kväll kom denna speciella dag nämligen att instifta de mest oönskade och paradoxala känslor jag någon gång känt i min kropp samtidigt:
befrielse och lättnad
trängdes med
bottenlös sorg och avgrundsstor saknad på en och samma gång.
Det fanns ett sjudande virrvarr av totalt okontrollerbara känslor att hantera, tillsammans med vetskapen om att inget någonsin skulle bli som förr.
Jag var förstörd.
Nedslagen.
Förintad.
Och samtidigt ändå lättad över att alla dessa segdragna minuter, timmar, dagar, veckor och månader äntligen var över.
Att lidandet var slut.
Fast det var en halvsanning.
En persons lidande tog slut den natten, medan andra personers lidande tog vid.
Så är livet överlag, egentligen.
Brutalt och jävligt i sin natur, med en säker utgång på lur:
Döden.
life death
Cancer och andra liknande sjukdomar gör en annan sak med människor, dessutom.
Förstör.
Inuti och utanpå.
Hos alla inblandade.
Det ställer till det i känslolivet till den grad att man som medlevande och efterlevande ibland ser sin älskades stundande eller faktiska död som en befrielse, samtidigt som döden inte är något annat än den ofrånkomliga, slutgiltiga utgång som skrämmer ihjäl oss och slukar den sista strimma hopp som bitit sig kvar.
Det är när hoppet försvinner som en bit av oss dör.
Så funkar vi människor.
Kort och gott.
Min pappa blev reducerad från glad, livsbejakande människa till sjuk, orkeslös cancerpatient till inget mer än ett torrt dött vitt skinn runt sprött skelett på mindre än nio månader. Ungefär lika länge hade jag precis burit min son. Han hann bli nästan fyra månader när min pappas kropp gav upp för gott. Runt pappas sjuksäng på Hospis osade ett stinkande, svart, sjukt moln av dödsångest och fysiskt lidande av en grad som jag än idag inte riktigt kan ta in.
Hur mycket kan en människa egentligen tåla?
Just idag för fjorton år sedan slapp han åtminstone lida mer.
Fjorton år av död men dessförinnan sjuttio år av liv.
Jag tror jag vet varför vi människor är så rädda för döden.
Det är för att den är sann, oundviklig och omöjlig att förutse när den dyker upp.
Det finns ingen chans att komma undan.
Inget pax, inget slippa-ut-ur-fängelse-kort.
Ingen frisedel, ingen chans att ducka.
Bara en enkelbiljett bort från den här världen.
Och vart?
Det är det ingen som vet.
Det är den där jäkla ovissheten!
Skrämmande obehagligt, i människans värld. Fast a t t den kommer vet vi ju, det kan vi alls vara helt säkra på.
Jag påstår ofta att jag inte är rädd för Döden.
Det är jag inte heller – så länge den infaller när jag levt ett rikt liv och jag är riktigt gammal, skröplig, nöjd och trött.
När jag gjort allt jag ska.
Sagt allt jag vill.
Rest dit jag velat.
Njutit av var dag.
Fast det finns det förstås inga garantier för att jag får göra.
Kanske väntar inte Döden tills jag är klar?
Vem vet.
Allt vi vet är vad vi har, och det vi har är här och nu.
Så lev.
Lev idag och lev rikligt!
För vem vet när sanden i ditt timglas har runnit ut?
twain

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11 429 reaktioner på ”Fjorton år av död efter ett vackert liv”

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    Hey everyone! Just wanted to jump in and share my experience with curry powder lately—it’s quickly becoming one of my go-to spices, not just for flavor but for the health benefits as well. I’ve always loved the taste of curry in different dishes, but I recently started using curry powder more intentionally, and I’m seeing some great benefits from it.

    For starters, I’ve been adding it to my meals a few times a week—everything from soups and stews to roasted veggies and even scrambled eggs. What I’ve noticed, aside from the amazing flavor boost, is that it’s been helping with my digestion. After reading up on it, I found that the spices in curry powder—especially turmeric—are great for gut health and reducing inflammation. I’ve always had mild issues with bloating after meals, but it seems like since using curry powder more consistently, that’s improved a bit.

    Another thing that’s been interesting is its potential anti-inflammatory benefits. I’ve had some minor joint pain from workouts, and since using curry powder regularly, it feels like there’s been less stiffness, especially in the mornings. Plus, it’s just such an easy way to add extra nutrients like antioxidants to my meals without much effort.

    If you’re looking to spice up your meals and get some health benefits in the process, I definitely recommend giving curry powder a try. It’s such a simple addition, but it’s made a noticeable difference for me. Has anyone else been using it for its health perks? I’d love to hear how others are incorporating it into their diets or any favorite recipes you’ve found!

  17. http://edwinijjm978.huicopper.com/curry-powder-a-staple-in-paleo-and-keto-cooking

    Hey everyone! Just wanted to jump in and share my experience with curry powder lately—it’s quickly becoming one of my go-to spices, not just for flavor but for the health benefits as well. I’ve always loved the taste of curry in different dishes, but I recently started using curry powder more intentionally, and I’m seeing some great benefits from it.

    For starters, I’ve been adding it to my meals a few times a week—everything from soups and stews to roasted veggies and even scrambled eggs. What I’ve noticed, aside from the amazing flavor boost, is that it’s been helping with my digestion. After reading up on it, I found that the spices in curry powder—especially turmeric—are great for gut health and reducing inflammation. I’ve always had mild issues with bloating after meals, but it seems like since using curry powder more consistently, that’s improved a bit.

    Another thing that’s been interesting is its potential anti-inflammatory benefits. I’ve had some minor joint pain from workouts, and since using curry powder regularly, it feels like there’s been less stiffness, especially in the mornings. Plus, it’s just such an easy way to add extra nutrients like antioxidants to my meals without much effort.

    If you’re looking to spice up your meals and get some health benefits in the process, I definitely recommend giving curry powder a try. It’s such a simple addition, but it’s made a noticeable difference for me. Has anyone else been using it for its health perks? I’d love to hear how others are incorporating it into their diets or any favorite recipes you’ve found!

  26. https://zenwriting.net/angelmuewq/how-to-host-a-curry-night-tips-for-a-flavorful-party

    Hey everyone! Just wanted to jump in and share my experience with curry powder lately—it’s quickly becoming one of my go-to spices, not just for flavor but for the health benefits as well. I’ve always loved the taste of curry in different dishes, but I recently started using curry powder more intentionally, and I’m seeing some great benefits from it.

    For starters, I’ve been adding it to my meals a few times a week—everything from soups and stews to roasted veggies and even scrambled eggs. What I’ve noticed, aside from the amazing flavor boost, is that it’s been helping with my digestion. After reading up on it, I found that the spices in curry powder—especially turmeric—are great for gut health and reducing inflammation. I’ve always had mild issues with bloating after meals, but it seems like since using curry powder more consistently, that’s improved a bit.

    Another thing that’s been interesting is its potential anti-inflammatory benefits. I’ve had some minor joint pain from workouts, and since using curry powder regularly, it feels like there’s been less stiffness, especially in the mornings. Plus, it’s just such an easy way to add extra nutrients like antioxidants to my meals without much effort.

    If you’re looking to spice up your meals and get some health benefits in the process, I definitely recommend giving curry powder a try. It’s such a simple addition, but it’s made a noticeable difference for me. Has anyone else been using it for its health perks? I’d love to hear how others are incorporating it into their diets or any favorite recipes you’ve found!

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  32. http://emilianolibj473.lucialpiazzale.com/exploring-different-types-of-curry-across-asia

    Hey everyone! Just wanted to jump in and share my experience with curry powder lately—it’s quickly becoming one of my go-to spices, not just for flavor but for the health benefits as well. I’ve always loved the taste of curry in different dishes, but I recently started using curry powder more intentionally, and I’m seeing some great benefits from it.

    For starters, I’ve been adding it to my meals a few times a week—everything from soups and stews to roasted veggies and even scrambled eggs. What I’ve noticed, aside from the amazing flavor boost, is that it’s been helping with my digestion. After reading up on it, I found that the spices in curry powder—especially turmeric—are great for gut health and reducing inflammation. I’ve always had mild issues with bloating after meals, but it seems like since using curry powder more consistently, that’s improved a bit.

    Another thing that’s been interesting is its potential anti-inflammatory benefits. I’ve had some minor joint pain from workouts, and since using curry powder regularly, it feels like there’s been less stiffness, especially in the mornings. Plus, it’s just such an easy way to add extra nutrients like antioxidants to my meals without much effort.

    If you’re looking to spice up your meals and get some health benefits in the process, I definitely recommend giving curry powder a try. It’s such a simple addition, but it’s made a noticeable difference for me. Has anyone else been using it for its health perks? I’d love to hear how others are incorporating it into their diets or any favorite recipes you’ve found!

  41. https://emilianoyjnb872.hpage.com/post1.html

    Hey everyone! Just wanted to jump in and share my experience with curry powder lately—it’s quickly becoming one of my go-to spices, not just for flavor but for the health benefits as well. I’ve always loved the taste of curry in different dishes, but I recently started using curry powder more intentionally, and I’m seeing some great benefits from it.

    For starters, I’ve been adding it to my meals a few times a week—everything from soups and stews to roasted veggies and even scrambled eggs. What I’ve noticed, aside from the amazing flavor boost, is that it’s been helping with my digestion. After reading up on it, I found that the spices in curry powder—especially turmeric—are great for gut health and reducing inflammation. I’ve always had mild issues with bloating after meals, but it seems like since using curry powder more consistently, that’s improved a bit.

    Another thing that’s been interesting is its potential anti-inflammatory benefits. I’ve had some minor joint pain from workouts, and since using curry powder regularly, it feels like there’s been less stiffness, especially in the mornings. Plus, it’s just such an easy way to add extra nutrients like antioxidants to my meals without much effort.

    If you’re looking to spice up your meals and get some health benefits in the process, I definitely recommend giving curry powder a try. It’s such a simple addition, but it’s made a noticeable difference for me. Has anyone else been using it for its health perks? I’d love to hear how others are incorporating it into their diets or any favorite recipes you’ve found!

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