— Livet, Människa i världen, Personligt, Tankar —

Periodaren

2020-04-16
I mörkret finns också ljuset.

Jag vet att jag är en periodare.
En bland många.
Ett missbruksbarn av vår tid.
Jag knarkar trygghet och kontroll och när det tar slut, som nu, vad gör jag då?
Jag lättar på låset.
Släpper på ramen.
Ängsligt gläntar jag på den knarrande dörren och famlar i mörkret.
Letar ljusknappen.
Tankarna myllar, flyger, bökar, trängs i dunklet, de formar ord helt för egen maskin, de spottas ut och väller fram som brinnande lava ur en vulkan.
Ostoppbara.
Ganska vackra att betrakta på avstånd ändå.
Men jag vill inte ha dem alltför nära
för det bränns.

Tankarna ter sig oformbara och obegripliga inne i den grå massan. De sväller och tar plats och hamnar i vägen, lite som som klumpiga dörrvakter som hindrar mig att komma in.
Eller ut.
Men jag hänger på låset och ger mig inte.
För ord är konkreta.
De är lösningen.
En sorts motgift.
JA.
Precis vad jag behöver!
Precis vad jag längtar efter.
Motgift.
Bot mot en förgiftad kropp och knopp och allt runtomkring.
Det är vad orden är.
Det är vad orden ger.
Ett sammanhang…

Och nu då?
Nu när jag är åderlåten och nästan alla ord blött ut…
Blir det bättre då?
Nej.
Nej?
Det är balansen som saknas.
Den har aldrig funnits där.
Helt för mycket eller alldeles för lite.
Alltid allt eller inget.
Som en hetsätare och anorektiker i samma person.
Lite som mänskligheten i stort.
Konsumerar allt medan andra svälter.

Balansen felar.
Du och jag, vi ska prata intensivt nätterna igenom och sluka varann hela eller så ska vi förbli tysta i dagar.
Parallelleka.
Låt oss nonchalera verkligheten en stund.
Stunden blir till eoner.
Ett hav av tid flyter stilla förbi, precis utom räckhåll.
I medvetet plågsam tvåsamhet betraktar vi båda hur den andre tynar bort, mitt här i ensamheten där vi tillsammans bor.
Men vi säger inget.
Vi gör inget.
Vi håller andan alldeles för länge i detta själsliga vakuum.
Och sedan blåser vi liv i lungorna igen.
Kippandes efter andan känner vi plötsligt att vi lever, vi lever!
Blodet rusar och vi blir höga på livet och kärleken!
Varma famnar välkomnar den återfunna lyckan.
Fast egentligen är det kanske bara känslan av att ha återfått kontrollen som vi känner av.
Vi syresätter oss snabbt, vi dumma människor.
Vi glömmer fort hur det nyss var.
Vi glömmer.
Om och om, igen och igen.

Jag antar att det är bara så det är.
Livet.
Det är så vi är.
Vi är alla sjuka och skadade, de flesta låtsas bara inte om det.
Eller så förstår vi inte.
Vissa vill inte förstå.
Att just precis så här är livet.
Privilegierad eller ej, så lider vi alla av livet fast på miljarder olika vis.
Och ändå vill vi leva det.
Allra mest i tider då ovissheten stryker runt omkring oss.

Så känns det bättre då?
Nu när orden flutit ut…
Ja.
För för stunden blir det så lugnt och tyst, så sorterat och strukturerat.
Nästan som en perfekt struken duk.
Vit och stram breder den ut sig över bordet och omfamnar det med en slags bestämdhet.
Jag har återfått kontrollen.
Städat i sinnet.
Släppt på trycket, snabbt stängt in smittan.
Min inre poltergeist har somnat av både tristess och svält och vandrar inte instängt runt och luktar förruttnelse mer.
Ibland är det bra att vädra.

Ute blåser en iskall vind men himlen är blå och luften är hög.
Allt går i perioder.
Även du.
Även jag.

Det finns ännu hopp om vår.

Starkt och hoppfullt ändå.

facebook Share on Facebook
Twitter Tweet
Follow Follow us

15 826 reaktioner på ”Periodaren”

  1. If you want to bet on sports and do some online casino betting, BetRivers has an integrated app that lets you do both from the same account. NBA betting enthusiasts will find the app’s seamless switch from sportsbook to casino especially appealing. This could also put the NBA one notch closer to offering in-game betting right on its league-run platforms and allow viewers to do it without leaving the app. But Kaufman-Ross said that’s not happening soon. You can email the site owner to let them know you were blocked. Please include what you were doing when this page came up and the Cloudflare Ray ID found at the bottom of this page. Now sports betting is legal and operational in 38 states and Washington, D.C. In 30 states and the nation’s capital, bettors can make wagers with taps on their phones.
    http://apable.kr/bbs/board.php?bo_table=free&wr_id=146022
    submitted 1st March Both teams have scored in each of Molde’s last eight games, while Odd have conceded in all four of their home assignments and have scored in three of those games so back both teams to score. Tomorrow – 18:15 Romania – Romanian Cup Malmo are yet to draw a blank in any competition this season and GAIS have scored nine goals across their last five games. With both attacks in form, back both teams to score here. Tomorrow – 18:45 Malmo are yet to draw a blank in any competition this season and GAIS have scored nine goals across their last five games. With both attacks in form, back both teams to score here. Tanzania – Ligi Kuu Bara This website is using a security service to protect itself from online attacks. The action you just performed triggered the security solution. There are several actions that could trigger this block including submitting a certain word or phrase, a SQL command or malformed data.

  3. What’s up to all, how is the whole thing, I think every one is getting more from this website, and your views are
    pleasant for new viewers.

  5. This piece of writing offers clear idea in favor of the new
    people of blogging, that genuinely how to do blogging and
    site-building.

  7. I have been exploring for a little for any high-quality articles or blog posts on this sort of house .
    Exploring in Yahoo I eventually stumbled upon this website.
    Reading this info So i’m happy to show that I have
    an incredibly just right uncanny feeling I found out just what I needed.

    I such a lot surely will make certain to don?t forget this
    web site and give it a glance regularly.

  8. Hi there very nice web site!! Guy .. Beautiful ..
    Wonderful .. I will bookmark your website and take the
    feeds also? I am happy to find numerous helpful info right here within the submit, we need develop more strategies on this regard,
    thank you for sharing. . . . . .

    Stop by my webpage: lung clear pro reviews

  10. I’m not sure where you’re getting your info, but good topic.
    I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more.
    Thanks for magnificent information I was looking for this info for my
    mission.

  12. гарантированно,
    Современное оборудование и материалы, для вашего уверенного улыбки,
    Специализированная помощь по доступным ценам, для вашей улыбки,
    Комфортные условия и дружественный персонал, для вашей радости и улыбки,
    Инновационные методы стоматологии, для вашего долгосрочного удовлетворения,
    Профессиональная гигиена полости рта, для вашего комфорта и удовлетворения,
    Индивидуальный план лечения для каждого пациента, для вашей уверенной улыбки
    лікування карієсу https://stomatologichnaklinikafghy.ivano-frankivsk.ua/ .

  13. I know this website gives quality depending content and additional stuff, is there any
    other web page which provides such stuff in quality?

  14. Hello, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar one and i was just curious
    if you get a lot of spam responses? If so how do you reduce it,
    any plugin or anything you can recommend? I get so much lately it’s driving me mad
    so any support is very much appreciated.

  15. I’m really loving the theme/design of your web site. Do you ever run into any web browser compatibility problems?
    A handful of my blog readers have complained about my website not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Safari.

    Do you have any solutions to help fix this problem?

  16. Great web site. Plenty of useful info here. I am sending it to a few buddies ans also sharing in delicious.
    And of course, thanks in your sweat!

  17. Link exchange is nothing else but it is simply placing the
    other person’s website link on your page at proper place and
    other person will also do similar in favor of you.

  18. I’m really enjoying the design and layout of your website.
    It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more pleasant for me to come here and visit more often. Did you hire
    out a developer to create your theme? Fantastic work!

  19. Nice post. I learn something totally new and challenging on websites I stumbleupon every day.

    It will always be interesting to read articles from other authors
    and use a little something from other web sites.

    Also visit my homepage – herpesyl

  21. Remarkable issues here. I’m very satisfied to see your article. Thanks so much and I’m looking forward to contact you. Will you please drop me a mail?

    русбил.рф/forum/viewtopic.php?p=159224 
    http://www.add1games.com/playnow/64.html 
    delighta.ru/mesta/~shownews/3252/index.html 
    kupidon-pskov.ru/ 
    ifvex.com/blogs/2501/Why-is-the-popularity-of-higher-education-decreasing-in-our 

  25. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog and was curious what
    all is needed to get set up? I’m assuming having a
    blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
    I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% certain. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated.
    Appreciate it

  26. Hi there! This post could not be written any better!

    Reading through this post reminds me of my good old room mate!
    He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this page to him.

    Pretty sure he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!

  28. Superb blog! Do you have any tips for aspiring writers?
    I’m planning to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything.
    Would you suggest starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m completely confused ..
    Any tips? Bless you!

  29. Thanks for the marvelous posting! I quite enjoyed reading it, you’re a great
    author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and will come back later
    in life. I want to encourage you to ultimately continue your great work,
    have a nice day!

  30. I believe that is among the such a lot important info for me.
    And i’m satisfied reading your article. But want to remark on some general issues, The site style is ideal, the articles is
    in point of fact excellent : D. Excellent task, cheers

  32. Hi there, this weekend is fastidious for me, since this point in time i am reading this impressive educational piece of writing here at my home.

    html-studio.paris/creation-de-site-web/ 
    forexallnews.com/broker-profile/ace-investing 
    designachten.net/aussteller-2019/ 
    dodian.net/member.php?u=475267%C3%82%C2%A0 
    shoelovershub.com/read-blog/475_why-is-the-popularity-of-universities-declining-in-our-time.html?mode=day 

  33. hey there and thank you for your info – I have definitely picked up something
    new from right here. I did however expertise several technical points using this site, since I
    experienced to reload the site many times previous
    to I could get it to load properly. I had been wondering if your web host is OK?
    Not that I’m complaining, but slow loading instances times will very frequently affect your placement
    in google and could damage your high-quality score if advertising
    and marketing with Adwords. Well I’m adding this RSS to
    my email and could look out for a lot more of your respective fascinating content.
    Ensure that you update this again very soon.

    Look at my web blog; phenq reviews

  34. An impressive share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a co-worker who was conducting a little
    homework on this. And he in fact ordered me dinner because I discovered it for
    him… lol. So let me reword this…. Thank YOU for the meal!!
    But yeah, thanx for spending the time to discuss this issue here
    on your internet site.

  35. I was recommended this blog through my cousin. I am now not positive whether this publish is written by him as nobody else know such specific
    approximately my trouble. You’re incredible! Thanks!

  37. Can I simply just say what a relief to discover an individual
    who genuinely understands what they’re talking about on the web.
    You definitely know how to bring a problem to light and make it important.
    More and more people have to read this and understand
    this side of your story. It’s surprising you aren’t more popular because you surely have
    the gift.

  38. I’m really impressed together with your writing skills and also with the structure on your blog.
    Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either
    way keep up the excellent quality writing, it’s rare to look a nice blog like this one nowadays..

  40. Howdy I am so excited I found your website, I really found you
    by error, while I was browsing on Digg for something
    else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say thank you for a marvelous post
    and a all round thrilling blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to read through it all at the moment but I have
    saved it and also added your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a great deal more, Please
    do keep up the great work.

  41. I’m not that much of a online reader to be honest but your blogs really
    nice, keep it up! I’ll go ahead and bookmark your site to come
    back in the future. All the best

  42. My partner and I stumbled over here different website and thought I should check things out.
    I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to looking over
    your web page repeatedly.

  43. Thanks for sharing your info. I truly appreciate your efforts and I will be waiting for your next post thanks once again.

    myanmarfootball.org/gallery/displayimage.php?album=lastup&cat=6&pos=0 
    euroreparmuldersteendam.nl/service-en-onderhoud/ 
    socialnetwork.swazi-host.com/blogs/2409/Why-is-the-popularity-of-universities-declining-today 
    forum.twilightmu.com/album.php?albumid=243&pictureid=1529 
    clc.edu.pe/blog/index.php?entryid=55125&nonjscomment=1&comment_itemid=55125&comment_context=236930&comment_component=blog&comment_area=format_blog 

  45. We’re a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
    Your site offered us with valuable information to work
    on. You have done an impressive job and our entire community
    will be thankful to you.

  47. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and
    find many of your post’s to be exactly I’m looking
    for. Would you offer guest writers to write content for yourself?
    I wouldn’t mind producing a post or elaborating on many of
    the subjects you write in relation to here. Again, awesome blog!

  48. Good day! Would you mind if I share your blog with my twitter group?
    There’s a lot of folks that I think would really enjoy your content.

    Please let me know. Many thanks

  49. I blog frequently and I seriously thank you for your information. Your article
    has really peaked my interest. I’m going to book mark your website and keep checking for new
    details about once per week. I subscribed to your RSS feed too.

  50. I’m not sure why but this website is loading extremely slow for me.
    Is anyone else having this issue or is it a problem on my end?
    I’ll check back later and see if the problem still exists.

Kommentarer är stängda.