— Livet, Människa i världen, Personligt, Tankar —

Periodaren

2020-04-16
I mörkret finns också ljuset.

Jag vet att jag är en periodare.
En bland många.
Ett missbruksbarn av vår tid.
Jag knarkar trygghet och kontroll och när det tar slut, som nu, vad gör jag då?
Jag lättar på låset.
Släpper på ramen.
Ängsligt gläntar jag på den knarrande dörren och famlar i mörkret.
Letar ljusknappen.
Tankarna myllar, flyger, bökar, trängs i dunklet, de formar ord helt för egen maskin, de spottas ut och väller fram som brinnande lava ur en vulkan.
Ostoppbara.
Ganska vackra att betrakta på avstånd ändå.
Men jag vill inte ha dem alltför nära
för det bränns.

Tankarna ter sig oformbara och obegripliga inne i den grå massan. De sväller och tar plats och hamnar i vägen, lite som som klumpiga dörrvakter som hindrar mig att komma in.
Eller ut.
Men jag hänger på låset och ger mig inte.
För ord är konkreta.
De är lösningen.
En sorts motgift.
JA.
Precis vad jag behöver!
Precis vad jag längtar efter.
Motgift.
Bot mot en förgiftad kropp och knopp och allt runtomkring.
Det är vad orden är.
Det är vad orden ger.
Ett sammanhang…

Och nu då?
Nu när jag är åderlåten och nästan alla ord blött ut…
Blir det bättre då?
Nej.
Nej?
Det är balansen som saknas.
Den har aldrig funnits där.
Helt för mycket eller alldeles för lite.
Alltid allt eller inget.
Som en hetsätare och anorektiker i samma person.
Lite som mänskligheten i stort.
Konsumerar allt medan andra svälter.

Balansen felar.
Du och jag, vi ska prata intensivt nätterna igenom och sluka varann hela eller så ska vi förbli tysta i dagar.
Parallelleka.
Låt oss nonchalera verkligheten en stund.
Stunden blir till eoner.
Ett hav av tid flyter stilla förbi, precis utom räckhåll.
I medvetet plågsam tvåsamhet betraktar vi båda hur den andre tynar bort, mitt här i ensamheten där vi tillsammans bor.
Men vi säger inget.
Vi gör inget.
Vi håller andan alldeles för länge i detta själsliga vakuum.
Och sedan blåser vi liv i lungorna igen.
Kippandes efter andan känner vi plötsligt att vi lever, vi lever!
Blodet rusar och vi blir höga på livet och kärleken!
Varma famnar välkomnar den återfunna lyckan.
Fast egentligen är det kanske bara känslan av att ha återfått kontrollen som vi känner av.
Vi syresätter oss snabbt, vi dumma människor.
Vi glömmer fort hur det nyss var.
Vi glömmer.
Om och om, igen och igen.

Jag antar att det är bara så det är.
Livet.
Det är så vi är.
Vi är alla sjuka och skadade, de flesta låtsas bara inte om det.
Eller så förstår vi inte.
Vissa vill inte förstå.
Att just precis så här är livet.
Privilegierad eller ej, så lider vi alla av livet fast på miljarder olika vis.
Och ändå vill vi leva det.
Allra mest i tider då ovissheten stryker runt omkring oss.

Så känns det bättre då?
Nu när orden flutit ut…
Ja.
För för stunden blir det så lugnt och tyst, så sorterat och strukturerat.
Nästan som en perfekt struken duk.
Vit och stram breder den ut sig över bordet och omfamnar det med en slags bestämdhet.
Jag har återfått kontrollen.
Städat i sinnet.
Släppt på trycket, snabbt stängt in smittan.
Min inre poltergeist har somnat av både tristess och svält och vandrar inte instängt runt och luktar förruttnelse mer.
Ibland är det bra att vädra.

Ute blåser en iskall vind men himlen är blå och luften är hög.
Allt går i perioder.
Även du.
Även jag.

Det finns ännu hopp om vår.

Starkt och hoppfullt ändå.

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  48. Tributes flood in for BBC sport commentator whose wife and daughters were killed in suspected crossbow attack
    порно жесток

    Figures from across the United Kingdom have offered their condolences to a BBC sport commentator, after his wife and two daughters were killed by an alleged crossbow attacker, in deaths that again drew attention to the epidemic of violence against women.

    Carol Hunt, 61, wife of BBC horse racing commentator, John Hunt, and their daughters, Hannah Hunt, 28, and Louise Hunt, 25, died from injuries sustained in an attack in Bushey, just northwest of London, on Tuesday, according to police and Britain’s public broadcaster.

    A 26-year-old suspect wanted in connection with the killings, and named as Kyle Clifford, was found by British police in Enfield, north London, on Wednesday, following a sprawling manhunt. There were no previous reports to the force over Clifford, who is in serious condition in hospital and is yet to speak with officers, Hertfordshire Police said in a statement.

    A crossbow was recovered as part of the investigation, which police believe was used in a “targeted incident.”
    Epidemic of violence against women
    The killings of the three women rocked Britain, where mass murders are infrequent but violence against women and girls has been officially labeled as a national threat.

    A woman is killed by a man every three days in the UK and one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime, the United Nations’ special rapporteur on violence against women and girls, Reem Alsalem, said earlier this year.

    Charities and human rights organizations have subsequently reiterated urgent demands to tackle femicide in the UK.

  50. Tributes flood in for BBC sport commentator whose wife and daughters were killed in suspected crossbow attack
    гей член

    Figures from across the United Kingdom have offered their condolences to a BBC sport commentator, after his wife and two daughters were killed by an alleged crossbow attacker, in deaths that again drew attention to the epidemic of violence against women.

    Carol Hunt, 61, wife of BBC horse racing commentator, John Hunt, and their daughters, Hannah Hunt, 28, and Louise Hunt, 25, died from injuries sustained in an attack in Bushey, just northwest of London, on Tuesday, according to police and Britain’s public broadcaster.

    A 26-year-old suspect wanted in connection with the killings, and named as Kyle Clifford, was found by British police in Enfield, north London, on Wednesday, following a sprawling manhunt. There were no previous reports to the force over Clifford, who is in serious condition in hospital and is yet to speak with officers, Hertfordshire Police said in a statement.

    A crossbow was recovered as part of the investigation, which police believe was used in a “targeted incident.”
    Epidemic of violence against women
    The killings of the three women rocked Britain, where mass murders are infrequent but violence against women and girls has been officially labeled as a national threat.

    A woman is killed by a man every three days in the UK and one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime, the United Nations’ special rapporteur on violence against women and girls, Reem Alsalem, said earlier this year.

    Charities and human rights organizations have subsequently reiterated urgent demands to tackle femicide in the UK.

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