— Livet, Människa i världen, Personligt, Tankar —

Periodaren

2020-04-16
I mörkret finns också ljuset.

Jag vet att jag är en periodare.
En bland många.
Ett missbruksbarn av vår tid.
Jag knarkar trygghet och kontroll och när det tar slut, som nu, vad gör jag då?
Jag lättar på låset.
Släpper på ramen.
Ängsligt gläntar jag på den knarrande dörren och famlar i mörkret.
Letar ljusknappen.
Tankarna myllar, flyger, bökar, trängs i dunklet, de formar ord helt för egen maskin, de spottas ut och väller fram som brinnande lava ur en vulkan.
Ostoppbara.
Ganska vackra att betrakta på avstånd ändå.
Men jag vill inte ha dem alltför nära
för det bränns.

Tankarna ter sig oformbara och obegripliga inne i den grå massan. De sväller och tar plats och hamnar i vägen, lite som som klumpiga dörrvakter som hindrar mig att komma in.
Eller ut.
Men jag hänger på låset och ger mig inte.
För ord är konkreta.
De är lösningen.
En sorts motgift.
JA.
Precis vad jag behöver!
Precis vad jag längtar efter.
Motgift.
Bot mot en förgiftad kropp och knopp och allt runtomkring.
Det är vad orden är.
Det är vad orden ger.
Ett sammanhang…

Och nu då?
Nu när jag är åderlåten och nästan alla ord blött ut…
Blir det bättre då?
Nej.
Nej?
Det är balansen som saknas.
Den har aldrig funnits där.
Helt för mycket eller alldeles för lite.
Alltid allt eller inget.
Som en hetsätare och anorektiker i samma person.
Lite som mänskligheten i stort.
Konsumerar allt medan andra svälter.

Balansen felar.
Du och jag, vi ska prata intensivt nätterna igenom och sluka varann hela eller så ska vi förbli tysta i dagar.
Parallelleka.
Låt oss nonchalera verkligheten en stund.
Stunden blir till eoner.
Ett hav av tid flyter stilla förbi, precis utom räckhåll.
I medvetet plågsam tvåsamhet betraktar vi båda hur den andre tynar bort, mitt här i ensamheten där vi tillsammans bor.
Men vi säger inget.
Vi gör inget.
Vi håller andan alldeles för länge i detta själsliga vakuum.
Och sedan blåser vi liv i lungorna igen.
Kippandes efter andan känner vi plötsligt att vi lever, vi lever!
Blodet rusar och vi blir höga på livet och kärleken!
Varma famnar välkomnar den återfunna lyckan.
Fast egentligen är det kanske bara känslan av att ha återfått kontrollen som vi känner av.
Vi syresätter oss snabbt, vi dumma människor.
Vi glömmer fort hur det nyss var.
Vi glömmer.
Om och om, igen och igen.

Jag antar att det är bara så det är.
Livet.
Det är så vi är.
Vi är alla sjuka och skadade, de flesta låtsas bara inte om det.
Eller så förstår vi inte.
Vissa vill inte förstå.
Att just precis så här är livet.
Privilegierad eller ej, så lider vi alla av livet fast på miljarder olika vis.
Och ändå vill vi leva det.
Allra mest i tider då ovissheten stryker runt omkring oss.

Så känns det bättre då?
Nu när orden flutit ut…
Ja.
För för stunden blir det så lugnt och tyst, så sorterat och strukturerat.
Nästan som en perfekt struken duk.
Vit och stram breder den ut sig över bordet och omfamnar det med en slags bestämdhet.
Jag har återfått kontrollen.
Städat i sinnet.
Släppt på trycket, snabbt stängt in smittan.
Min inre poltergeist har somnat av både tristess och svält och vandrar inte instängt runt och luktar förruttnelse mer.
Ibland är det bra att vädra.

Ute blåser en iskall vind men himlen är blå och luften är hög.
Allt går i perioder.
Även du.
Även jag.

Det finns ännu hopp om vår.

Starkt och hoppfullt ändå.

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15 826 reaktioner på ”Periodaren”

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    On Monday, Kendall Jenner stepped out onto the L’Oreal Paris womenswear runway in a scarlet red Mugler gown that might have looked familiar to anyone with a sharp memory of 1999.

    The front of the dress was slashed open across Jenner’s right shoulder, exposing a matching denier bra. The peekaboo moment conjured up memories of another example of fashionable flashing: Lil’ Kim’s purple embellished jumpsuit at the VMAs 26 years earlier. On the red carpet, Kim’s left breast was almost entirely revealed by an asymmetrical cut — a mirror image of Jenner’s neckline — save for a matching purple nipple pasty.
    Jenner’s Mugler moment was just the latest example of a resurging tendency for underwear as outerwear. At the Nensi Dojaka runway show in London earlier this month, boxy blazers were shrugged over strappy bras while paneled bustiers in sheer fabric were paired with capri trousers and reimagined as going out tops. Brasseries were even left exposed to the elements at Erdem — a departure for a house beloved by both British acting royalty (Kristen Scott Thomas) and actual royalty (the Duchess of Cambridge). Dolce & Gabbana got the memo, too, showing satin corsets, garter belts and Madonna-esque cone bras at Milan Fashion Week on Saturday. Florence Pugh even wore one of the label’s risque designs in her first British Vogue cover last week — the circle neckline of her puff-shouldered black dress scooping just above the belly button, acting as a full-frontal frame for her bra.
    But the trend extends beyond just the runways. During the first performance of her “Short n’ Sweet” tour on Monday, singer Sabrina Carpenter took to the stage in a custom Victoria’s Secret bodysuit and stockings. Hand-adorned with over 150,000 crystals, the strapless pink lace-trimmed leotard took over 140 hours to make. On Monday,YouTube star and singer Jojo Siwa inverted the fad by donning a codpiece for a headline-grabbing cover shoot with LadyGunn magazine. The 15th century undergarment was bedazzled with flesh-colored gemstones.

  23. Look of the Week: Forget the naked dress, Kendall Jenner makes the case for underwear as outerwear
    kraken tor

    On Monday, Kendall Jenner stepped out onto the L’Oreal Paris womenswear runway in a scarlet red Mugler gown that might have looked familiar to anyone with a sharp memory of 1999.

    The front of the dress was slashed open across Jenner’s right shoulder, exposing a matching denier bra. The peekaboo moment conjured up memories of another example of fashionable flashing: Lil’ Kim’s purple embellished jumpsuit at the VMAs 26 years earlier. On the red carpet, Kim’s left breast was almost entirely revealed by an asymmetrical cut — a mirror image of Jenner’s neckline — save for a matching purple nipple pasty.
    Jenner’s Mugler moment was just the latest example of a resurging tendency for underwear as outerwear. At the Nensi Dojaka runway show in London earlier this month, boxy blazers were shrugged over strappy bras while paneled bustiers in sheer fabric were paired with capri trousers and reimagined as going out tops. Brasseries were even left exposed to the elements at Erdem — a departure for a house beloved by both British acting royalty (Kristen Scott Thomas) and actual royalty (the Duchess of Cambridge). Dolce & Gabbana got the memo, too, showing satin corsets, garter belts and Madonna-esque cone bras at Milan Fashion Week on Saturday. Florence Pugh even wore one of the label’s risque designs in her first British Vogue cover last week — the circle neckline of her puff-shouldered black dress scooping just above the belly button, acting as a full-frontal frame for her bra.
    But the trend extends beyond just the runways. During the first performance of her “Short n’ Sweet” tour on Monday, singer Sabrina Carpenter took to the stage in a custom Victoria’s Secret bodysuit and stockings. Hand-adorned with over 150,000 crystals, the strapless pink lace-trimmed leotard took over 140 hours to make. On Monday,YouTube star and singer Jojo Siwa inverted the fad by donning a codpiece for a headline-grabbing cover shoot with LadyGunn magazine. The 15th century undergarment was bedazzled with flesh-colored gemstones.

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  28. Look of the Week: Forget the naked dress, Kendall Jenner makes the case for underwear as outerwear
    kraken onion

    On Monday, Kendall Jenner stepped out onto the L’Oreal Paris womenswear runway in a scarlet red Mugler gown that might have looked familiar to anyone with a sharp memory of 1999.

    The front of the dress was slashed open across Jenner’s right shoulder, exposing a matching denier bra. The peekaboo moment conjured up memories of another example of fashionable flashing: Lil’ Kim’s purple embellished jumpsuit at the VMAs 26 years earlier. On the red carpet, Kim’s left breast was almost entirely revealed by an asymmetrical cut — a mirror image of Jenner’s neckline — save for a matching purple nipple pasty.
    Jenner’s Mugler moment was just the latest example of a resurging tendency for underwear as outerwear. At the Nensi Dojaka runway show in London earlier this month, boxy blazers were shrugged over strappy bras while paneled bustiers in sheer fabric were paired with capri trousers and reimagined as going out tops. Brasseries were even left exposed to the elements at Erdem — a departure for a house beloved by both British acting royalty (Kristen Scott Thomas) and actual royalty (the Duchess of Cambridge). Dolce & Gabbana got the memo, too, showing satin corsets, garter belts and Madonna-esque cone bras at Milan Fashion Week on Saturday. Florence Pugh even wore one of the label’s risque designs in her first British Vogue cover last week — the circle neckline of her puff-shouldered black dress scooping just above the belly button, acting as a full-frontal frame for her bra.
    But the trend extends beyond just the runways. During the first performance of her “Short n’ Sweet” tour on Monday, singer Sabrina Carpenter took to the stage in a custom Victoria’s Secret bodysuit and stockings. Hand-adorned with over 150,000 crystals, the strapless pink lace-trimmed leotard took over 140 hours to make. On Monday,YouTube star and singer Jojo Siwa inverted the fad by donning a codpiece for a headline-grabbing cover shoot with LadyGunn magazine. The 15th century undergarment was bedazzled with flesh-colored gemstones.

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