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Perrong 2

2014-02-10

– ”Om man tänker på livet som en lång resa, så är det här bara en kort stunds väntan mellan två tåg”, sa Han och bröt den förlamande tystnaden med uppriktig godhet i rösten när han såg mig stå där, ensam och rådvill. Jag var sannolikt en sorgsen syn, hastigt övergiven av Hoppet, snabbt infångad av Tvivlet. Han hittade mig där den dagen, tillfälligt strandad på en nyss helt öde perrong alldeles i närheten av där Hopplösheten bor.
Det hela var rätt orättvist egentligen.
Jag som hade allt planerat så bra!
Livet.
Allt uttänkt, bestämt, kontrollerat och godkänt. Inga pauser, bara fart, för att pressa in så mycket som möjligt på den korta tid jag har till låns. Kvantitet före kvalitet, skulle vissa säga.
Inte jag! För suget efter något mer, större, bättre, starkare har inget med det att göra. Men så plötsligt fann jag mig själv ståendes här. Avlämnad, ensam, avskalad, osäker mitt ute i Ingenstans. Hur kunde det bli så?
Jag – som alltid haft stenkoll på mig själv och mina begränsningar, min strävan, min färd och framför allt min destination – hade helt enkelt drabbats av något så oväntat som ett ytterst oplanerat uppehåll på väg mot målet. Ja, man skulle verkligen kunna kalla det ett tillfälligt avbrott på min resa genom livet. Det hela var både obehagligt, besvärligt, oroande och frustrerande på en och samma gång.
Och välkommet.
Fast det visste jag inte då.
– ”Tyvärr finns det aldrig några garantier för din, min eller någons resa, kära du.” fortsatte Han. ”Även om du säger att du bokat en förstaklassbiljett med direkttåg så är förseningar alltjämt ett faktum. Man kommer liksom aldrig ifrån att det blir stillestånd ibland. Och för det ber jag om ursäkt, men du kan vara säker på att du är på väg snart igen. Jag ska göra allt jag kan för att du ska få resa vidare dit du vill. Vart du än vill. Det är ju aldrig önskvärt att det blir så här. Inte för mig heller.”
–”Dit jag vill..?” tänkte jag och var med ens inte säker på något längre.
Jag tror inte ens att jag kom mig för att svara Honom fastän jag på ett ögonblick fylldes av tusen frågor som rusade som ett skenande ånglok genom min hjärna och fortsatte sin accelererande vansinnesfärd ut i alla nervbanor i min nyvakna kropp, helt omöjligt att stoppa.
Han såg det.
Han kände det.
Han tog tröstande min hand.
– ”Det som i nuet känns som en evighet, ett oändligt väntande på att komma på rätt spår igen, det som i stunden kan upplevas så outhärdligt, kommer i slutet att ha varat blott en flyktig sekund. Bara håll ut. Du snart på väg igen i full fart, ska du se! Det går fler tåg dit du vill.”
Jag såg förvirrat på Honom med oväntad rädsla och värme i blicken på en och samma gång. Där och då förstod jag att det skulle bli oerhört svårt för mig att någonsin vilja kliva på tåget igen. Min alltid lika okuvliga vilja, mitt inre målinriktade driv, mitt behov av kontroll och fokus hade tillsammans med min rastlösa ådra just tagit en paus, om än för en kort stund.
Och det skulle komma att förändra allt.
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