Livet, Tankar

18.

18
18 gånger.
Jag har räknat dem alla.
Alla gånger jag försökt koncentrera mig på att skriva en uppsatsplan ikväll.
Det blanka dokumentet stirrar på mig.
Lyser, irriterar, stör.
Får det att klia i bröstet av frustration.
FokuseraFokuseraFokusera.
Men inget kommer.
Inte ens ett ord.
Eller en punkt.
18 gånger.
Det är exakt så många gånger jag kommit på andra tankar.
Tänkt på andra saker.
Allt som inte hör hit. Och allt som gör det.
Allt jag vill tänka. Och allt jag bara vill tänka bort.
Medan det jag borde tänka på virvlar runt planlöst och utan mål därinne i det tomma, mörka, trötta, så tänker jag på precis det jag inte borde tänka på.
Vet du vad vad jag menar…?
Allt.
Allt och inget och ännu mer på samma gång.
18 gånger.
Det är så många gånger jag försökt tvinga mig själv att prestera något. Vad som helst, bara något!
Vara duktig. Och bra. Den jag vill vara.
Tänk rätt!
Inte tänka fel.
Försök göra rätt!
Och glöm för allt i världen det som är mer tilltalande än nåt annat just nu.  Ja, just DET. Det som lockar och drar fastän du inte vill. Och ändå är du fångad. Låst i tanken, fast i en oändlig loop som får hjärtat att slå dubbelslag och som får magen att kittla och bränna och sticka.
18 gånger.
Det är måttet på mitt tillfälliga lilla misslyckande.
Hittills.

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