— Människa i världen, Personligt, Samhället, Skrivande, Tankar —

En droppe sol

2020-04-15

Det var ett tag sedan.
Ett tag sedan jag skrev.
Orden har liksom stockat sig och huvudet är sprängfyllt av
A L L T.
Omändringar på jobbet, i livet, i hemmet.
Saker som inte längre bara ÄR.
Inget är för givet, allt är ombytligt och förgängligt.
Inte minst livet.
Det dyrbara livet.

För bara någon månad sedan tog vi allt för givet.
Ja, i alla fall jag.
Jag gick i min bubbla och tänkte att vår familj skulle vara intakt ett bra tag till.
Att allt skulle gå sin stilla väg.
Panta rei, allt flyter.
Jag trodde att jag skulle få fortsätta känna mig rofylld och full av kontroll. Jag gillar det, att ha kontroll. Vad jag däremot inte gillar är ovisshet. Det gnager i mig och jag vill få det att sluta.

Den här härjande Coronapandemin är ett bra exempel.
Skämmande, spännande, sorgligt, hemskt, fascinerande.
Och totalt okontrollerbart, i alla fall för mig.
Räcker det att jag nyser mig i armvecket och tvättar händerna hela tiden så är det en liten kostnad. Det kan jag leva med.
Men jag tror inte på att det är riktigt så lätt att bemästra ett aggressivt virus som härjar i världen, i landet, i staden, på gatan, i huset.
Det är här.
Vi ser det inte bara.

Tvivlet.
Tvivlet är där mest hela tiden.
Gör jag rätt? Tvättar jag tummarna tillräckligt? Minimerar jag umgänge? Bär jag på viruset? Sprider jag det? Kommer min mamma att bli sjuk? Kommer jag att orsaka någons död utan att veta det? Borde jag inte sagt upp mig? Kommer medicinen och riset och toapappret och insulinet ta slut? Hur väljer ett virus oss människor egentligen? Är vissa mer mottagliga, finns det en röd tråd kring alla som dör, kanske är det nåt enkelt som att de har samma blodgrupp? Eller skostorlek, vad vet jag? Finns det saker i världshaven vi inte upptäckt? I så fall vad? Behöver jag vara rädd för Det när jag simmar där jag inte bottnar eller när jag hoppar från en piratbåt på utlandssemestern som jag ändå inte kommer att åka på år 2020? Varför förstår jag så lite? Och varför frågar jag mig så mycket som jag aldrig kan få svar på? Det går ju inte att besvara någon av frågorna, egentligen. Så varför gnager de i mig?

För att jag tappat kontrollen.
Eller egentligen tron på att jag har kontroll.
Viruset har funnits länge utan att jag vetat det.
Världen utanför också, med allt sitt kaos.
Och då levde jag på som innan.
Så varför kan jag inte göra det nu?
Jag vet inte.
Ovissheten hindrar mig.

Vi människor har en inre strävan efter kontroll.
Vi vill gärna kontrollera det okontrollerbara och ha makt över vad som går att bestämma över.
Och helst annat också.
Men vad gör man då, när tankarna rusar och det gnager i bröstet?
Ja, vad gör man…
Jag bestämmer mig för att inte lyssna inåt.
Det blir bäst så.
För stunden i alla fall.

Mitt i allt pandemi-grubbleri så tog jag ett beslut.
(Ett till då, förutom att säga upp mig.
Den lilla detaljen…)
Rätt som det var hade jag hört mig själv tackat ja till att borra bort de där titanplattorna ur mitt käkben. Detta trots att jag funderat länge och väl och egentligen bestämt mig för att skjutsa det på framtiden. Men under samtalet med överläkaren (Anneli, ledstjärna i världen!) bestämde jag mig för att göra en kovändning.
Nu jävlar ska de ut.
Kort och gott.
När vet ingen, för vi lever i en tid av ovisshet.
Men någon gång.
Kanske snart.

Jag står i operationskö, det vet jag helt säkert.
– ”Ja, då har jag nå´t att se fram emot! Att du ska karva i mig igen!” sa jag klämkäckt och menade det. Sedan skrattade vi gott tillsammans, jag och Dr Pihlsgård.
Jag har opassande och morbid humor som bara kommer vällandes och jag skäms inte alls fastän jag kanske borde.
Hon är fantastisk.
En enorm, väl förankrad trygghetsboj mitt på ett stormande hav.
Och jag är en liten vilsen eka.
Eller kanske en fjuttig barkbåt.

Ja, detta är dagar då stort och smått trängs på samma ruta.
Spelplanen har ändrat form och inget är förutsägbart, inte ens spelreglerna.
Vi vet inte när vi började.
Vi vet inte vem som vinner.
Varför nån vinner.
Varför vissa förlorar.
Eller när spelet tar slut.
Mina fingernaglar är långa för jag vågar inte bita på dem längre.
Och jag har inte kramat min mamma på en månad.
Men jag har skaffat mig en terapeut och ett aktiebolag, och det är kanske inte så illa det.
Kanske hade det inte hänt om inte pandemin plötsligt dykt upp i våra liv.
Jag vill så gärna tro att det göms något gott i all död.

Framtiden gläntar lite på dörren.
In kilar en strimma ljus och gör vartenda dammkorn och hundhår synligt.
Det gör inget, inget alls.
Solen droppar, världen stoppar, det blir varmt på min kind.
Dagen tar snart slut nu, den är dränerad på liv och energi men skimrar ändå i rosa och guld.
Ett vackert avsked.
Ståtligt.
Bitterljuvt.
Imorgon får vi en ny chans, allihop.
(Nästan alla.) 
Även solen.
Och dammkornen.
Och allt däremellan.
Jag ler för mig själv.
Jag märker att jag ler även inuti och ser uppåt, bortåt, mot himlen.
Den är oändlig och mäktig och konstant.
Och på ett ögonblick blir jag hel igen.

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  9. Long-lost copy of the US Constitution, found in North Carolina filing cabinet, heads to auction
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    Historical document appraiser and collector Seth Kaller spreads a broad sheet of paper across a desk. It’s in good enough condition that he can handle it, carefully, with clean, bare hands. There are just a few creases and tiny discolorations, even though it’s just a few weeks shy of 237 years old and has spent who knows how long inside a filing cabinet in North Carolina.

    At the top of the first page are familiar words but in regular type instead of the sweeping Gothic script we’re used to seeing: “WE, the People …”

    And the people will get a chance to bid for this copy of the US Constitution — the only of its type thought to be in private hands — at a sale by Brunk Auctions on Sept. 28 in Asheville, North Carolina.
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    The minimum bid for the auction of $1 million has already been made. There is no minimum price that must be reached.

    This copy was printed after the Constitutional Convention finished drafting the proposed framework of the nation’s government in 1787 and sent it to the Congress of the ineffective first American government under the Articles of Confederation, requesting they send it to the states to be ratified by the people.

    It’s one of about 100 copies printed by the secretary of that Congress, Charles Thomson. Just eight are known to still exist and the other seven are publicly owned.

  11. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    In the last two years, tennis has taken over our closets (court-appropriate garb can be found everywhere from Skims to Miu Miu), our screens (who could forget Zendaya’s turn as the tennis protoge-turned-elite-coach Tashi Duncan in “Challengers”) and now — our living rooms.

    At least that is the hope of Belgian eco-designer Mathilde Wittock, who fashions bespoke furniture from discarded tennis balls. Wittock’s sleek, modernist chaise longues are entirely cushionless — save for the padding of 500 precisely arranged tennis balls. Her one meter-long benches are similarly sparse, with some 270 balls being both stylish and structurally substantial.

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    “It takes around 24 different manufacturing steps to (make) a tennis ball, which is around five days. Then it has such a short lifespan,” Wittock told CNN in a video call from Brussels. “I was looking into tennis balls because I played tennis myself, so I know there is a lot of waste.”
    Around 300 million tennis balls are produced each year — and almost all of them end up in landfills, taking over 400 years to decompose. The US Open, which ended at the weekend, goes through around 70,000 each year, with Wimbledon not far behind at 55,000. Wittock estimates the lifecycle of a ball stands at just nine games, depending on the level of tennis being played. “Even if they are contained in their box, if the box has been opened the gas inside the tennis balls will be released over time,” she said. “(Eventually) they will get flat and you’ll have to throw them away.”

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    The pandemic’s effects on teenagers were profound — numerous studies have documented reports of issues with their mental health, social lives and more.

    Now, a new study suggests those phenomena caused some adolescents’ brains to age much faster than they normally would — 4.2 years faster in girls and 1.4 years faster in boys on average, according to the study published Monday in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

    By being the first to contribute details on aging differences by sex, the study adds to the existing body of knowledge provided by two previous studies on the Covid-19 pandemic and accelerated brain aging among adolescents.
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    “The findings are an important wake-up call about the fragility of the teenage brain,” said senior study author Dr. Patricia K. Kuhl, the Bezos Family Foundation Endowed Chair in Early Childhood Learning and codirector of the Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences at the University of Washington in Seattle, via email. “Teens need our support now more than ever.”

    Significant socioemotional development occurs during adolescence, along with substantial changes to brain structure and function. The thickness of the cerebral cortex naturally peaks during childhood, steadily decreases throughout adolescence and continues to decrease through one’s lifespan, the authors wrote.

    The researchers originally intended to track ordinary adolescent brain development over time, starting with MRIs the authors conducted on participants’ brains in 2018. They planned to follow up with them for another scan in 2020.

    The pandemic delayed the second MRI by three to four years — when the 130 participants based in Washington state were between ages 12 and 20. The authors excluded adolescents who had been diagnosed with a developmental or psychiatric disorder or who were taking psychotropic medications.

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  28. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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  30. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
    [url=https://kraken9.net]kraken2 [/url]
    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

    https://kraken13.info
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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

  31. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

  33. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

  36. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

    https://kraken13-at.net
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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

  37. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

  39. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

  40. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

  42. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    Plain water is the only thing visitors are allowed to consume inside the huge cavern at Carlsbad Caverns National Park in New Mexico. Cheetos are a no-go, and the recent park visitor who dropped a bag full of them created a “huge impact” on the cave’s ecosystem, the park said Friday in a Facebook post.

    “At the scale of human perspective, a spilled snack bag may seem trivial, but to the life of the cave it can be world changing,” the park said in its post about the garbage found off-trail in the Big Room.
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    “The processed corn, softened by the humidity of the cave, formed the perfect environment to host microbial life and fungi. Cave crickets, mites, spiders and flies soon organize into a temporary food web, dispersing the nutrients to the surrounding cave and formations. Molds spread higher up the nearby surfaces, fruit, die and stink. And the cycle continues.”

    The park said rangers spent 20 minutes carefully removing molds and foreign debris from surfaces inside the cave, noting that while some members of the ecosystem that rose from the snacks were cave-dwellers “many of the microbial life and molds are not.”
    The post called that particular impact on the cave “completely avoidable,” contrasting it with the hard-to-prevent fine trails of lint left by each visitor.

    “Great or small we all leave an impact wherever we go. Let us all leave the world a better place than we found it,” the post urged park goers.
    The park’s website says that eating and drinking anything other than plain water attracts animals into the cavern.

    Carlsbad Caverns followed up its post about the Cheetos bag with a post about the “leave no trace” principle of disposing of waste properly.

    “Contrary to popular belief, the cave is NOT a big trash can,” the post said, yet rangers pick up waste left behind every day.

    “Sometimes this can be a gum wrapper or a tissue, other times it can unfortunately mean human waste, spit, or chewing tobacco.” Visitors are asked to make sure they don’t leave trash in the cavern and to use designated restrooms.

  47. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

  50. Elon Musk was star guest this year at an annual conference organized by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy party.
    [url=https://vk8at.com]2krn.at [/url]
    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

    Italy has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and Musk urged the crowd to “make more Italians to save Italy’s culture,” a particular focus of the Meloni government.

    https://kraken17-at.net
    кракен 15
    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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