— Människa i världen, Personligt, Samhället, Skrivande, Tankar —

En droppe sol

2020-04-15

Det var ett tag sedan.
Ett tag sedan jag skrev.
Orden har liksom stockat sig och huvudet är sprängfyllt av
A L L T.
Omändringar på jobbet, i livet, i hemmet.
Saker som inte längre bara ÄR.
Inget är för givet, allt är ombytligt och förgängligt.
Inte minst livet.
Det dyrbara livet.

För bara någon månad sedan tog vi allt för givet.
Ja, i alla fall jag.
Jag gick i min bubbla och tänkte att vår familj skulle vara intakt ett bra tag till.
Att allt skulle gå sin stilla väg.
Panta rei, allt flyter.
Jag trodde att jag skulle få fortsätta känna mig rofylld och full av kontroll. Jag gillar det, att ha kontroll. Vad jag däremot inte gillar är ovisshet. Det gnager i mig och jag vill få det att sluta.

Den här härjande Coronapandemin är ett bra exempel.
Skämmande, spännande, sorgligt, hemskt, fascinerande.
Och totalt okontrollerbart, i alla fall för mig.
Räcker det att jag nyser mig i armvecket och tvättar händerna hela tiden så är det en liten kostnad. Det kan jag leva med.
Men jag tror inte på att det är riktigt så lätt att bemästra ett aggressivt virus som härjar i världen, i landet, i staden, på gatan, i huset.
Det är här.
Vi ser det inte bara.

Tvivlet.
Tvivlet är där mest hela tiden.
Gör jag rätt? Tvättar jag tummarna tillräckligt? Minimerar jag umgänge? Bär jag på viruset? Sprider jag det? Kommer min mamma att bli sjuk? Kommer jag att orsaka någons död utan att veta det? Borde jag inte sagt upp mig? Kommer medicinen och riset och toapappret och insulinet ta slut? Hur väljer ett virus oss människor egentligen? Är vissa mer mottagliga, finns det en röd tråd kring alla som dör, kanske är det nåt enkelt som att de har samma blodgrupp? Eller skostorlek, vad vet jag? Finns det saker i världshaven vi inte upptäckt? I så fall vad? Behöver jag vara rädd för Det när jag simmar där jag inte bottnar eller när jag hoppar från en piratbåt på utlandssemestern som jag ändå inte kommer att åka på år 2020? Varför förstår jag så lite? Och varför frågar jag mig så mycket som jag aldrig kan få svar på? Det går ju inte att besvara någon av frågorna, egentligen. Så varför gnager de i mig?

För att jag tappat kontrollen.
Eller egentligen tron på att jag har kontroll.
Viruset har funnits länge utan att jag vetat det.
Världen utanför också, med allt sitt kaos.
Och då levde jag på som innan.
Så varför kan jag inte göra det nu?
Jag vet inte.
Ovissheten hindrar mig.

Vi människor har en inre strävan efter kontroll.
Vi vill gärna kontrollera det okontrollerbara och ha makt över vad som går att bestämma över.
Och helst annat också.
Men vad gör man då, när tankarna rusar och det gnager i bröstet?
Ja, vad gör man…
Jag bestämmer mig för att inte lyssna inåt.
Det blir bäst så.
För stunden i alla fall.

Mitt i allt pandemi-grubbleri så tog jag ett beslut.
(Ett till då, förutom att säga upp mig.
Den lilla detaljen…)
Rätt som det var hade jag hört mig själv tackat ja till att borra bort de där titanplattorna ur mitt käkben. Detta trots att jag funderat länge och väl och egentligen bestämt mig för att skjutsa det på framtiden. Men under samtalet med överläkaren (Anneli, ledstjärna i världen!) bestämde jag mig för att göra en kovändning.
Nu jävlar ska de ut.
Kort och gott.
När vet ingen, för vi lever i en tid av ovisshet.
Men någon gång.
Kanske snart.

Jag står i operationskö, det vet jag helt säkert.
– ”Ja, då har jag nå´t att se fram emot! Att du ska karva i mig igen!” sa jag klämkäckt och menade det. Sedan skrattade vi gott tillsammans, jag och Dr Pihlsgård.
Jag har opassande och morbid humor som bara kommer vällandes och jag skäms inte alls fastän jag kanske borde.
Hon är fantastisk.
En enorm, väl förankrad trygghetsboj mitt på ett stormande hav.
Och jag är en liten vilsen eka.
Eller kanske en fjuttig barkbåt.

Ja, detta är dagar då stort och smått trängs på samma ruta.
Spelplanen har ändrat form och inget är förutsägbart, inte ens spelreglerna.
Vi vet inte när vi började.
Vi vet inte vem som vinner.
Varför nån vinner.
Varför vissa förlorar.
Eller när spelet tar slut.
Mina fingernaglar är långa för jag vågar inte bita på dem längre.
Och jag har inte kramat min mamma på en månad.
Men jag har skaffat mig en terapeut och ett aktiebolag, och det är kanske inte så illa det.
Kanske hade det inte hänt om inte pandemin plötsligt dykt upp i våra liv.
Jag vill så gärna tro att det göms något gott i all död.

Framtiden gläntar lite på dörren.
In kilar en strimma ljus och gör vartenda dammkorn och hundhår synligt.
Det gör inget, inget alls.
Solen droppar, världen stoppar, det blir varmt på min kind.
Dagen tar snart slut nu, den är dränerad på liv och energi men skimrar ändå i rosa och guld.
Ett vackert avsked.
Ståtligt.
Bitterljuvt.
Imorgon får vi en ny chans, allihop.
(Nästan alla.) 
Även solen.
Och dammkornen.
Och allt däremellan.
Jag ler för mig själv.
Jag märker att jag ler även inuti och ser uppåt, bortåt, mot himlen.
Den är oändlig och mäktig och konstant.
Och på ett ögonblick blir jag hel igen.

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    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

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    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

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    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    He arrived against the backdrop of an ice-skating rink and an ancient castle in Rome with one of his 11 children to tout the value of procreation.

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    Meloni has been a strong opponent of surrogacy, which is criminalized in Italy, but there was no mention of Musk’s own recent children born of surrogacy.

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    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    The owner of X (formerly called Twitter) was slightly rumpled with what could easily be argued the least stylish shoes in the mostly Italian crowd since Donald Trump’s often unkempt former top adviser Steve Bannon appeared at the conference in 2018.
    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    Trump criticised Harris’s record on immigration and the border, and also her shifting policy positions – Harris blamed him for ”Trump abortion bans” and for the 6 January attacks on the US Capitol

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    With the election taking place on 5 November, Harris is slightly ahead in national opinion polls – but polls are very tight in key battleground states

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    Meloni sat in the front row taking photos of Musk, who she personally invited. Meloni founded the Atreju conference in 1998, named after a character in the 1984 film “The NeverEnding Story.”

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    With the election taking place on 5 November, Harris is slightly ahead in national opinion polls – but polls are very tight in key battleground states

    Shortly after the debate, Taylor Swift endorsed Harris on Instagram, calling her a ”gifted leader”

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    Kamala Harris and Donald Trump have had a fiery 90-minute debate in Philadelphia – their first of the 2024 US presidential election
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    After shaking hands – it was the first time they had met – the pair debated policy before moving onto more personal attacks

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    Trump criticised Harris’s record on immigration and the border, and also her shifting policy positions – Harris blamed him for ”Trump abortion bans” and for the 6 January attacks on the US Capitol

    Snap polls suggest Harris won the debate, but Trump says afterwards that she ”lost very badly”

    With the election taking place on 5 November, Harris is slightly ahead in national opinion polls – but polls are very tight in key battleground states

    Shortly after the debate, Taylor Swift endorsed Harris on Instagram, calling her a ”gifted leader”

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    After shaking hands – it was the first time they had met – the pair debated policy before moving onto more personal attacks

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    Trump criticised Harris’s record on immigration and the border, and also her shifting policy positions – Harris blamed him for ”Trump abortion bans” and for the 6 January attacks on the US Capitol

    Snap polls suggest Harris won the debate, but Trump says afterwards that she ”lost very badly”

    With the election taking place on 5 November, Harris is slightly ahead in national opinion polls – but polls are very tight in key battleground states

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