I spegeln ser jag henne.
Hon som liknar mig.
Förändrad.
Jag vet inte om jag tycker om henne längre.
Hon är som en uppdaterad version av mig själv.
Lite klokare av insikten att livet är förgängligt.
Lite lugnare i själen.
Lite mer ordning och lite mindre inre kaos som drar och sliter i tankarna.
Samtidigt står hon där, ärrad, och blänger tillbaka på mig.
Märkt av livet.
Och jag tycker inte om det jag ser.
Jag försöker dölja det.
Sminka över det fula.
Gömma det så gott det går.
Men det syns.
Ja, det syns.
Inte bara det ofina utanpå utan även det som blivit lite fult inuti.
Vem är jag och vem vill jag vara?
Jag stirrar på henne i spegeln, uppkäftigt och rått.
Vem fan tror hon att hon är?
Komma här och förstöra det jag så länge byggt upp?!
Jag väntar på svar med en klump i halsen.
Men det kommer inget.
För jag vet redan vem jag vill vara.
Jag vill vara bäst!
Snällast. Finast. Trevligast. Felfri! Allälskande, varm och trygg. Passionerad. Engagerad. Generös. Rolig. Glad. Moraliskt perfekt. Underbar!
På alla vis.
Och precis som alla andra är jag det inte.
För jag är bara en människa.
En vanlig enkel jävla människa med fel och brister!
Oavsett hur små de är, de där felen, så ligger de där och skaver, hånskrattandes.
Jag har blivit varse om dem. De har stigit till ytan.
Även om jag inte vill så är det så jag är.
Operfekt.
Som en nästan perfekt, vit, smakrik äkta vaniljgräddglass. Din favoritsort som du längtat efter, men när du lycklig tar första skeden inser du att du är bra lättlurad. Det var en fin förpackning men den här gången är glassen inte helt vit. Du serveras en subtil men ändå märkbar, svart bismak av fejk. Det förvånar dig, för baserat på din egen erfarenhet är den här glassen både fin och god. Den lever oftast – i stort sett alltid – upp till sitt goda rykte, men den här gången inser du att du köpt en förpackning med ovanligt ful eftersmak som dyker upp på helt fel tillfällen.
Som nu.
Och jag vill liksom vara en perfekt vaniljgräddglass, inget halvfabrikat.
Ingen ful eftersmak.
Bara god och bäst rakt igenom.
Ska det vara så himla svårt?
Ja, faktiskt är det himla svårt.
Kanske är det rentav omöjligt?
Kanske ska man bara unna sig att vara lite ful, både inuti och utanpå?
Kanske ska man bara sluta kämpa emot och våga vara den man är.
Mänsklig.
En självreflektion i dubbel bemärkelse
2014-01-13
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