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Fjorton år av död efter ett vackert liv

2018-09-20

20 september 2004.
Vädermässigt var den 20 september 2014 en vacker dag med sensommarsol, blå himmel och hög klar luft, som jag minns det. Jag vaknade dagen gråtandes, precis som alla andra dagar vid den tiden, och skulle avsluta den likadant. Fast värre. Strax innan midnatt samma kväll kom denna speciella dag nämligen att instifta de mest oönskade och paradoxala känslor jag någon gång känt i min kropp samtidigt:
befrielse och lättnad
trängdes med
bottenlös sorg och avgrundsstor saknad på en och samma gång.
Det fanns ett sjudande virrvarr av totalt okontrollerbara känslor att hantera, tillsammans med vetskapen om att inget någonsin skulle bli som förr.
Jag var förstörd.
Nedslagen.
Förintad.
Och samtidigt ändå lättad över att alla dessa segdragna minuter, timmar, dagar, veckor och månader äntligen var över.
Att lidandet var slut.
Fast det var en halvsanning.
En persons lidande tog slut den natten, medan andra personers lidande tog vid.
Så är livet överlag, egentligen.
Brutalt och jävligt i sin natur, med en säker utgång på lur:
Döden.
life death
Cancer och andra liknande sjukdomar gör en annan sak med människor, dessutom.
Förstör.
Inuti och utanpå.
Hos alla inblandade.
Det ställer till det i känslolivet till den grad att man som medlevande och efterlevande ibland ser sin älskades stundande eller faktiska död som en befrielse, samtidigt som döden inte är något annat än den ofrånkomliga, slutgiltiga utgång som skrämmer ihjäl oss och slukar den sista strimma hopp som bitit sig kvar.
Det är när hoppet försvinner som en bit av oss dör.
Så funkar vi människor.
Kort och gott.
Min pappa blev reducerad från glad, livsbejakande människa till sjuk, orkeslös cancerpatient till inget mer än ett torrt dött vitt skinn runt sprött skelett på mindre än nio månader. Ungefär lika länge hade jag precis burit min son. Han hann bli nästan fyra månader när min pappas kropp gav upp för gott. Runt pappas sjuksäng på Hospis osade ett stinkande, svart, sjukt moln av dödsångest och fysiskt lidande av en grad som jag än idag inte riktigt kan ta in.
Hur mycket kan en människa egentligen tåla?
Just idag för fjorton år sedan slapp han åtminstone lida mer.
Fjorton år av död men dessförinnan sjuttio år av liv.
Jag tror jag vet varför vi människor är så rädda för döden.
Det är för att den är sann, oundviklig och omöjlig att förutse när den dyker upp.
Det finns ingen chans att komma undan.
Inget pax, inget slippa-ut-ur-fängelse-kort.
Ingen frisedel, ingen chans att ducka.
Bara en enkelbiljett bort från den här världen.
Och vart?
Det är det ingen som vet.
Det är den där jäkla ovissheten!
Skrämmande obehagligt, i människans värld. Fast a t t den kommer vet vi ju, det kan vi alls vara helt säkra på.
Jag påstår ofta att jag inte är rädd för Döden.
Det är jag inte heller – så länge den infaller när jag levt ett rikt liv och jag är riktigt gammal, skröplig, nöjd och trött.
När jag gjort allt jag ska.
Sagt allt jag vill.
Rest dit jag velat.
Njutit av var dag.
Fast det finns det förstås inga garantier för att jag får göra.
Kanske väntar inte Döden tills jag är klar?
Vem vet.
Allt vi vet är vad vi har, och det vi har är här och nu.
Så lev.
Lev idag och lev rikligt!
För vem vet när sanden i ditt timglas har runnit ut?
twain

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    Uber is cashing in on spooky season.

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    Big-box retailers are getting into Halloween earlier and earlier, suggesting American consumers continue spending on the October holiday even as they pull back from other discretionary purchases.

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    “The holiday season officially kicks off this time of year, and households across the country are looking to on-demand delivery to get what’s needed—now,” said Beryl Sanders, director of US grocery and retail partnerships at Uber, in a statement.

    Since the pandemic, different types of retailers have partnered with Uber to deliver their goods – such as Olive Garden for its breadsticks and pasta. Uber Eats has also partnered with Big Lots, Lowe’s, Michael’s and Party City for on-demand delivery.

    Uber and its competitors have also experimented with robot deliveries, though those have not fully taken off in the US market.

  39. You can now order your Spirit Halloween costume on Uber Eats
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    Uber is cashing in on spooky season.

    The ridehailing company will now deliver costumes, makeup, and even decorations from Spirit Halloween, the largest Halloween retailer in North America, Uber announced in a press release Friday.

    Big-box retailers are getting into Halloween earlier and earlier, suggesting American consumers continue spending on the October holiday even as they pull back from other discretionary purchases.

    Customers in the US and Canada can buy their Chipotle burrito costume for the same price as in store, but without having to visit the seasonal Halloween store that pops up in abandoned storefronts every year, Uber said. Of course, there will still be the fees associated with Uber Eats delivery.

    Spirit Halloween has 1,525 locations.

    “The holiday season officially kicks off this time of year, and households across the country are looking to on-demand delivery to get what’s needed—now,” said Beryl Sanders, director of US grocery and retail partnerships at Uber, in a statement.

    Since the pandemic, different types of retailers have partnered with Uber to deliver their goods – such as Olive Garden for its breadsticks and pasta. Uber Eats has also partnered with Big Lots, Lowe’s, Michael’s and Party City for on-demand delivery.

    Uber and its competitors have also experimented with robot deliveries, though those have not fully taken off in the US market.

  46. You can now order your Spirit Halloween costume on Uber Eats
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    Uber is cashing in on spooky season.

    The ridehailing company will now deliver costumes, makeup, and even decorations from Spirit Halloween, the largest Halloween retailer in North America, Uber announced in a press release Friday.

    Big-box retailers are getting into Halloween earlier and earlier, suggesting American consumers continue spending on the October holiday even as they pull back from other discretionary purchases.

    Customers in the US and Canada can buy their Chipotle burrito costume for the same price as in store, but without having to visit the seasonal Halloween store that pops up in abandoned storefronts every year, Uber said. Of course, there will still be the fees associated with Uber Eats delivery.

    Spirit Halloween has 1,525 locations.

    “The holiday season officially kicks off this time of year, and households across the country are looking to on-demand delivery to get what’s needed—now,” said Beryl Sanders, director of US grocery and retail partnerships at Uber, in a statement.

    Since the pandemic, different types of retailers have partnered with Uber to deliver their goods – such as Olive Garden for its breadsticks and pasta. Uber Eats has also partnered with Big Lots, Lowe’s, Michael’s and Party City for on-demand delivery.

    Uber and its competitors have also experimented with robot deliveries, though those have not fully taken off in the US market.

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