Ja, kära jag.
Kära nå´n.
2019 som skulle vara ett svinbra år blev istället ett massivt, tungt slit-och-skitår. Hur kommer detta sig, där ändå en hel del av mina önskningar infriades? Bland annat kom jag ju äntligen in på min efterlängtade Steg 1-utbildning i grundläggande psykoterapi och jag fick resa och skapa guldkant på tillvaron för både mig själv och andra!
Allt det som borde få mitt hjärta att sjunga…
Så hur illa kan det då ha varit?
Jo, samtidigt som jag strösslade livet med glitter, så lyckades jag knappt skriva alls (vilket är min personliga egenterapi) och inte heller fix i köket med mat och bak (vilket är min andra form av egenterapi).
Jag har inte haft vare sig lust, ork eller tid.
Och det står ju för något.
Januari 2019 startade på topp. Jag var ganska hungrig och sugen på att gå utbildningen som jag längtat efter i över fem år. Snabbt så ställde det till sig för mig med en krock mellan arbetsgivaren och Försäkringskassan, med mig däremellan. Redan här började min bitterhet bubbla i bröstet. ((Arbetsgivaren tyckte att jag får avhandla mina kompetenshöjande studier på fritiden och Försäkringskassan tänkte absolut att jag skulle göra det inom ramen för min arbetstid eftersom jag fortfarande är deltidssjukskriven (25%) och då förväntas vila.))
Som socialarbetare ligger man inte inne med någon fet lön, och Lunds kommun är nog en av de lägst betalda kommunerna överlag, speciellt nog om man som jag är trogen anställd sedan många, många år. Dålig lön och inga utvecklingsmöjligheter är en dålig kombination för att bibehålla nöjda anställda. Men jag ville gå utbildningen för min egen skull och satte mig i båten trots att jag visste att den skulle ut på djupt vatten.
Riktigt djupt.
Redan i april-maj började orken tryta på allvar. Jag opererades i käken ungefär samtidigt – en lyckad operation på alla vis, men hela processen kändes samtidigt så oerhört seg. Hur lång tid kan det egentligen ta att bli drägligt rehabiliterad från en olycka?
Sex år…and counting.
Sommaren bjöd på semestrar, utlandsresor, konserter, studenter.
I retrospekt känns det som ett rasande tempo.
Det var det nog inte.
Men så kändes det.
Hösten då? En evighetslång uppförsbacke.
För första gången på säkert 20 år känner jag mig bottenlöst trött, utslagen, ledsen, totalt under isen.
Deprimerad? Möjligen.
Efter många års sjukskrivning är ekonomin kaos.
Och sämre blev den precis när jag skulle gå på ledighet och jag fick veta att arbetsgivaren betalat ut ”för mycket lön”.
Igen.
Och jag blir återbetalningsskyldig.
Igen.
Trots att jag gjort vad jag skulle med sjukintyg och annat.
Igen.
Min tilltro till att vändningen kommer är tvärdöd.
Den är liksom redan begravd och nersköljd med gravöl.
Tack och godnatt och fram med gravstenen.
”Här inunder vilar inte Jennifers kropp utan Jennifers hopp
Som har lämnat oss i stor sorg och saknad.
Kvar finns en torrt, grånande skal som fortfarande älskar popcorn
Men som i övrigt är en blek skugga av vad som var en rätt kul kärring!
Hejdå, Hoppet! Må du vila i frid.”
Så. Hoppet är borta.
Men acceptansen vill inte infinna sig.
Acceptansen kring att jag antagligen aldrig kommer att jobba heltid, alltså. Acceptansen om att min ekonomiska situation är botten.
Acceptansen att jag behöver hitta andra vägar – men kanske inte orkar.
I samma veva har jag gått och blivit mogen tant.
Klimakteriet har infunnit sig. Det är inget som det verkar skrivas nå´t nämnvärt om har jag förstått efter att ha finkammat nätet.
För min del känns det inte främmande.
Det är ju en del av livet.
Värmevallningar, en kropp som förändras, sömnproblem, humörsvängningar, daglig irritation…
Samtidigt har jag förstått att allt det här även kan vara ett resultat av alltför lång användning av alltför hög dos av min underbara smärtlindrande medicin, Gabapentin!
Vad är hönan, vad är ägget?
Ett blodprov kan visa det och ett blodprov är taget.
Resultatet kom idag och visade att JA.
Klimakteriet är här.
Välkommen, värmevallningar och sömnlöshet! 🙂
Nu vet jag i alla fall vad det beror på.
Naturliga orsaker.
Livets gång.
Kära Jag.
Vad kan jag göra annorlunda 2020?
Jag vet alltför väl vad som inte har fungerat, speciellt efter att ha skrivit den här bedrövliga årskrönikan.
Vissa saker kan jag inte råda över.
Andra kan jag.
Jag förstår hur jag återigen har bränt mitt ljus i båda ändar – och hur jag kommer att fortsätta göra det till i juni när utbildningen är slut.
Och se´n?
Ljusare tider!
Så! Vad är planen?
2020 ska jag:
1. Genomlida vårens jobb/utbildning/fortsatta läkarbesök
2. Frigöra mig!
Vad det betyder och hur jag ska lyckas med det är en annan historia.
En historia som redan har börjat skrivas.
Jag kan säga att den helt klart är mer lovande än någonsin förr!
Och sakta, sakta känns det nog ändå som ett nytt litet glimrande korn av hopp har fötts…
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Mpox – formerly known as monkeypox – is a highly contagious disease and has killed at least 635 people in DR Congo this year.
Even though 200,000 vaccines, donated by the European Commission, were flown into the capital, Kinshasa, last week, they are yet to be transported across this vast country – and it could be several weeks before they reach South Kivu.
“We’ve learned from social media that the vaccine is already available,” Emmanuel Fikiri, a nurse working at the clinic that has been turned into a specialist centre to tackle the virus, told the BBC.
He said this was the first time he had treated patients with mpox and every day he feared catching it and passing it on to his own children – aged seven, five and one.
“You saw how I touched the patients because that’s my job as a nurse. So, we’re asking the government to help us by first giving us the vaccines.”
The reason it will take time to transport the vaccines is that they need to be stored at a precise temperature – below freezing – to maintain their potency, plus they need to be sent to rural areas of South Kivu, like Kamituga, Kavumu and Lwiro, where the outbreak is rife.
The lack of infrastructure and bad roads mean that helicopters could possibly be used to drop some of the vaccines, which will further drive up costs in a country that is already struggling financially.
At the community clinic, Dr Pacifique Karanzo appeared fatigued and downbeat having been rushed off his feet all morning.
Although he wore a face shield, I could see the sweat running down his face. He said he was saddened to see patients sharing beds.
“You will even see that the patients are sleeping on the floor,” he told me, clearly exasperated.
“The only support we have already had is a little medicine for the patients and water. As far as other challenges are concerned, there’s still no staff motivation.”
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Mpox – formerly known as monkeypox – is a highly contagious disease and has killed at least 635 people in DR Congo this year.
Even though 200,000 vaccines, donated by the European Commission, were flown into the capital, Kinshasa, last week, they are yet to be transported across this vast country – and it could be several weeks before they reach South Kivu.
“We’ve learned from social media that the vaccine is already available,” Emmanuel Fikiri, a nurse working at the clinic that has been turned into a specialist centre to tackle the virus, told the BBC.
He said this was the first time he had treated patients with mpox and every day he feared catching it and passing it on to his own children – aged seven, five and one.
“You saw how I touched the patients because that’s my job as a nurse. So, we’re asking the government to help us by first giving us the vaccines.”
The reason it will take time to transport the vaccines is that they need to be stored at a precise temperature – below freezing – to maintain their potency, plus they need to be sent to rural areas of South Kivu, like Kamituga, Kavumu and Lwiro, where the outbreak is rife.
The lack of infrastructure and bad roads mean that helicopters could possibly be used to drop some of the vaccines, which will further drive up costs in a country that is already struggling financially.
At the community clinic, Dr Pacifique Karanzo appeared fatigued and downbeat having been rushed off his feet all morning.
Although he wore a face shield, I could see the sweat running down his face. He said he was saddened to see patients sharing beds.
“You will even see that the patients are sleeping on the floor,” he told me, clearly exasperated.
“The only support we have already had is a little medicine for the patients and water. As far as other challenges are concerned, there’s still no staff motivation.”
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Medical staff on the front line of the battle against mpox in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo have told the BBC they are desperate for vaccines to arrive so they can stem the rate of new infections.
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At a treatment centre in South Kivu province that the BBC visited in the epicentre of the outbreak, they say more patients are arriving every day – especially babies – and there is a shortage of essential equipment.
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Mpox – formerly known as monkeypox – is a highly contagious disease and has killed at least 635 people in DR Congo this year.
Even though 200,000 vaccines, donated by the European Commission, were flown into the capital, Kinshasa, last week, they are yet to be transported across this vast country – and it could be several weeks before they reach South Kivu.
“We’ve learned from social media that the vaccine is already available,” Emmanuel Fikiri, a nurse working at the clinic that has been turned into a specialist centre to tackle the virus, told the BBC.
He said this was the first time he had treated patients with mpox and every day he feared catching it and passing it on to his own children – aged seven, five and one.
“You saw how I touched the patients because that’s my job as a nurse. So, we’re asking the government to help us by first giving us the vaccines.”
The reason it will take time to transport the vaccines is that they need to be stored at a precise temperature – below freezing – to maintain their potency, plus they need to be sent to rural areas of South Kivu, like Kamituga, Kavumu and Lwiro, where the outbreak is rife.
The lack of infrastructure and bad roads mean that helicopters could possibly be used to drop some of the vaccines, which will further drive up costs in a country that is already struggling financially.
At the community clinic, Dr Pacifique Karanzo appeared fatigued and downbeat having been rushed off his feet all morning.
Although he wore a face shield, I could see the sweat running down his face. He said he was saddened to see patients sharing beds.
“You will even see that the patients are sleeping on the floor,” he told me, clearly exasperated.
“The only support we have already had is a little medicine for the patients and water. As far as other challenges are concerned, there’s still no staff motivation.”
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Medical staff on the front line of the battle against mpox in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo have told the BBC they are desperate for vaccines to arrive so they can stem the rate of new infections.
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At a treatment centre in South Kivu province that the BBC visited in the epicentre of the outbreak, they say more patients are arriving every day – especially babies – and there is a shortage of essential equipment.
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Mpox – formerly known as monkeypox – is a highly contagious disease and has killed at least 635 people in DR Congo this year.
Even though 200,000 vaccines, donated by the European Commission, were flown into the capital, Kinshasa, last week, they are yet to be transported across this vast country – and it could be several weeks before they reach South Kivu.
“We’ve learned from social media that the vaccine is already available,” Emmanuel Fikiri, a nurse working at the clinic that has been turned into a specialist centre to tackle the virus, told the BBC.
He said this was the first time he had treated patients with mpox and every day he feared catching it and passing it on to his own children – aged seven, five and one.
“You saw how I touched the patients because that’s my job as a nurse. So, we’re asking the government to help us by first giving us the vaccines.”
The reason it will take time to transport the vaccines is that they need to be stored at a precise temperature – below freezing – to maintain their potency, plus they need to be sent to rural areas of South Kivu, like Kamituga, Kavumu and Lwiro, where the outbreak is rife.
The lack of infrastructure and bad roads mean that helicopters could possibly be used to drop some of the vaccines, which will further drive up costs in a country that is already struggling financially.
At the community clinic, Dr Pacifique Karanzo appeared fatigued and downbeat having been rushed off his feet all morning.
Although he wore a face shield, I could see the sweat running down his face. He said he was saddened to see patients sharing beds.
“You will even see that the patients are sleeping on the floor,” he told me, clearly exasperated.
“The only support we have already had is a little medicine for the patients and water. As far as other challenges are concerned, there’s still no staff motivation.”
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